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aquaisis2's profile
AGE:
27
LOC: Palmyra, NY
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 30
LOC: Palmyra, NY
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 30
I’ve used Urbis before, 3 previous accounts, I got frustrated because no one seemed to care about content. Further, every time I made a comment someone didn’t like, I got a “warning you’ve been a bad girl” e-mail, even if it met all the criteria.
Still I’m back, to read and comment, more than discuss my writing. I’m an experienced writer and I hope my viewpoint can assist.
Thanks.
Items
Version 1
15 Reviews
21 Comments
Heavens and earth abound with golden light from stars more ancient than earth's elements, when sand swept moons and planets crust unite to make a world of life prevalent Each twinkle in the night is jealousy, blinking angels envious of things terrene. They spied like children at the swelling seas, watching, as dust formed mountains serene. Created by unseen hand, the droplet of earth, swam the galaxy, a struggling newborn, a living planet also giving birth, upon it life was born from bone fo...
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I see what you were trying to do. It's very clever of you to try and make grace a person. I think you could go about this another way though. What if Grace was one of your close friends? What would you write about her then, how whould you comapair her to grace? I think the questions are a bit over done in your poem. I'd rather see a positive statement than a question. For example: What’s on your mind? -tell us what is on her mind... Why are you you? -this is the topic of the poem thus an unne...
If ever you should hear my prayer -ok, if I hear it I will...what exactly? Pray silence keep this fallen tear, -since you asked nicely. For moments lost through inner thought -you are about to declare something The silence constant ever sought -is silence constant a person's name? Do you mean to say, *constantly*, here? Reveals the weakness deep within -revealing would sound better Betraying fragile, mortal sin. -good line This poem is a slave to the rhythm, without an extra syllable, some of...
Interesting little world you created there. The thread and sewing metaphor really work quite well with the feeling you are trying to convey. I like the vagueness in the beginning it made to rush to see what was being constructed, still I think the end could be clearer. "were originally hand stitched after hours" I don't know but this phrase caught me. It made the poem seem like something instantly relate able. Good luck working on this poem. I see great things here.
Has the feel of, "Where The Sidewalk Ends." You tell what you are feeling and then tack on why in the last line, this is good, because, it's easier for a reader to visualize one subject. I rather enjoy poetry that summarize one brief feeling. Nicely put. I hope you continue to work on this piece.
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