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arteatsart's profile
AGE:
24
LOC: Whitestone, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 03
LOC: Whitestone, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 03
This is my blog: < http://andrushenko.blogspot.com > which contains a collection of most of my poetry, a little over 50 poems. I appreciate all feedback postive/negative, always.
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Version 1
10 Reviews
5 Comments
And off, off we go! The big one's taken me out, out for a stroll again. I'm strapped in—no escape. I've tried crying twice before, but this hippo is a stern one, not like the others—Yea, I'll say! O don't ask why I won't. . . Don't you know the humiliation? And the smell. Then that wretched powder! No, I think I'd rather remain strapped. Here's one. A fat bald jerk, skimming the New York Times. And she's stopped, right next to gelatinous guts galore pouring out of his brown pants, and the red...
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This reads as too self-consciously poetic. All the alliteration, and for what? I don't take away any rawness of emotion, and I don't understand the 'king' part. What is he a king of? It just throws me off - plus it is asking a lot of work on the reader's part, and I don't see the payoff. It seems, you are going for irony, perhaps, but I think you could find a better way to present this idea, a better way than through a king and kingdom. Look, you go from quaint invokations, 'king,' 'kingdom,'...
Line 22, I would change "upon" to "on". Line 25, why do you use "thy"? There are times I believe, when it can be appropriate to use such arcane terminology, but I find it personaly annoying since I know nobody talks in "thy's" "ye's" "hath's" etc etc. Rather than conveying geniune emotion, the use of such language, in my opinion, simply trys to convince the reader that this is a poem because, look, I am writing as Shakspeare, Bryon, et al., wrote. The "I'm drowning in pain" line, is a cliche,...
I would remove "only" in line 3. For did rivers "only" move through blue hills? In stanza 2, line 10, I think it should be "overhead", rather than "over head." I'm not so sure about "sharp" elbows - the connotations are a bit of a mismatch with the stoic/rock theme you set up. A word that connotes something a bit more solid would do the trick for me. I was going to recommend "coned" but . . . I think that's even worse. Line 15, I would change "upon" to "on". Line 19, how about changing "light...
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