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LAST LOGIN: November 07
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Version 2
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Gratitude The Common problems are Lives lived in the margins He lives under a tarp just past the tracks Eight years of paranoia Smearing shit on his limbs Repelling connection Life screwed him somewhere down the line Still smiling He’s been piling up Beach Boy rhymes in his mind All he wants is the time to hear them A corporate power at $100,000.00 She lost 16 lives to two burning towers She couldn’t handle it So they took her child Saddled with regret She sits in her room Practicing her brea...
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Version 1
3 Reviews
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The Body Electorate The Body is in full swing election Campaigning for a senate seat in the house of Body Image An underdog Boney knuckles shift unbound in the fight for dominance Given half a chance between nicotine streaked fingers And crash diets She blocks the mental carcinogens spewed from lips All too familiar with late night binges Her slogan: Hunger only believes it’s beautiful When beautiful becomes sculpted out of hunger Chiseled marble forms in magazines and all the young girls fol...
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Thank you for sharing your piece ... I think that this could be a wonderful beginning to a poem or research into a poem ... It feels more like a list right now and I think it if you too any one of the lines and elaborated you would find a lot of beautiful ways to expand ... thank you again!
This poem is unexpected. I like your imagery a lot, your language is beautiful ... For me personally, I think your rhyme scheme takes away from the images you create ... but that's a personal preference. I liked how you shifted everything at the end ... thank you foe sharing! -j
I really love this poem : ) I loved the way yo created a dialogue with yourself and audience within the poetry and your imagery is fabulous and very present for the reader ... there's not a lot of searching for understanding in your poem ... it's really wonderful ... The only thing I would say is that at the end the poem drops off, you lose the sense of the rest of the poem, which is so full ... You may want to rework the end ... and maybe look at changing the title, cuz it doesn't really fit...
I think your lyrics really flow into one another. I really like this, I would like to hear the music that it goes to ... the feel of it is everyday talk at the same time something more ... My only question is about the section that begins An observant kid ... Would you be speaking this over some kind of music ... or is it line with melody ...
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