ashflower's profile

omg i am so intrigued. I love how you can feel the emotion in how larauna is deeply in love and not wanting him to die. And how the master is enraged. Just the thought of his past makes him even more furious. love it. keep writing more.

I honestly like both versions. Version two does have less talking and more action. I perfer the first version. he more the dialogue it helps the scene and you feel the emotion within their words instead of the actions. A change in the ending of version one would help. Instead of saying less talking more action try to place something else there. keep writing

I do not know if it would warm a few hearts. Do young chruch going men really think of themselves sinful and dirty for masturbating and making a mess of his pleasure. It is different but you definatly feel how paniced and nervous he was after trying to clean it up and trying to see if his mother would notice. Keep writing

I defiantly like your poem. There is a few mispelling i do not know if it is on purpose or not. The second line in the first stanza instead of are to be our. Othwewrise i like it. I like how as a writer and you read it you know what the poem means. To be a writer and release all these words and letting them all flow out like a secret you cannot hold any longer. My fav stanza is the thrid. To a poet a word is more than just a description it’s a breath of air that feels are lungs it’s a lover’s...

For the first line you should put crowded room i still feel lonely. Feels better that way. I do like hoiw your poem flows, no really abrupt ends or confusions. My fav part would be sew this hear together my love. keep writing.