assemble's profile

This is really sweet - I enjoyed it a lot. :) I enjoyed your use of language in lines like 'last-night mascara', and your imagery was gorgeous. I particularly liked the image of the woman sitting up and bumping her head. The revelation in the last line was excellent, and put a different spin on the whole poem. Good stuff!

This shows promise, although (like you said) could do with some revision. Try moving away from cliches in your imagery - for example, the use of the image of 'falling off cliff' to express your idea is cliche and overused, and as a result doesn't evoke a particularly strong response from your audience as they've heard it a thousand times before. If you try to think of metaphors and images you haven't heard before, your writing will be much stronger. Otherwise, you have potential - keep writin...