You've got a good emotional hook, good build up, and the right movement. You need to work on the language and punctuation. You need to break some of the thoughts up a bit more. I could see why you might be tempted to use the ongoing continuous sentences and a lot of "..." maybe to try and capture what it is like being inside this person's mind, but it needs to be done more carefully with proper use of grammar and puncuation if that is the case. For instance, you might try breaking thoughts up...

I liked this. Ironic and disconcerting. I especially like the end. Also really like the use of waiting for a fetus to grow or a loaf of bread to rise to describe the waiting feeling you refer to. The rhyming is perfect, too. Not too much, not too frequent. You have a knack for cadence. Nice work.

Wow, this is fantastic. Very affecting - leaves the reader with a feeling of irony that kind of sneaks up on you because the initial stanza does not hint at it. I think it will be very appropriate to see that first stanza in italics (sorry, I have no idea how to do this myself). I love the lines "Dipped my spoon in lye to feed you, swallowed it myself in the last second", and the whole bit about "my mother." This is fabulous stuff. I look forward to seeing more.

It's not a story yet, so it's hard to judge toward the goal of being the best one on here :), but you definitely have a talent worth shaping. Nevertheless, the outline is intriguing and I can tell from just this small snippet that your writing style is capturing. There are some great exchanges and character interactions in this small snippet alone - you should definitely expand upon it. You have a great way of telling a story with humorous exchanges - don't lose this in writing the story itse...

This is very well written, and I'm completely confused. I've re-read it twice, and still not certain what's going on. Who is Johnny, exactly? Did the girl kill her mother and... who, a lover? And she was molested by her father? The cop raped her? And what's all this about University? I'm so confused! All this is a good thing. I understand just enough to want to know more, but not enough to feel satisfied. I really really want to read more! Since this is just the first chapter, I'm assuming al...

Good story. The style is consistent and intriguing, and the characters develop well. Nemma captures the reader's interest early. Also the the unique elements of the world in which it is set, and the events of that world, are interesting. The interaction between characters is expertly handled - the scene between Nemma and the Law Priest really stands out. A few issues: "careful to avoided" in the 11th para should be "careful to avoid". "Before them stood four Law Priests, twice a much as usual...

Generally a good back cover blurb. Sounds like an interesting story and sells itself as a quick-moving read, almost invokes thoughts of a movie type thriller. I would draw out a bit more about the potential suspects - is there anyone in this group that is close to Nikitta or otherwise adds a compelling character or subplot?

Overall it's a good poem, and there are flashes of excellence. It inspires a feeling of sadness, and communicates emotion effectively. There are just a few places where I think a word change or subtle shift could make it better. For instance: "Your weary body sags in this space But your mind is boxed in" I am not sure what you're trying to communicate here. It sounds like he's exhausted and self-involved, but that's not really an either/or kind of thought, so I am not sure why the "but" inste...

The story is well-written and the characters compelling, but it's hard to tell where it's going. You mentioned that might be the case, and that it is necessary to read further to really understand, but the problem is there isn't anything that grabs the reader and compels him to go the next step. If you're going to hide the gemstone deep in the story, I think you need to provide more hint of it early on. The following sentence is awkward: "Everyone who’s afraid of dying have nothing to worry a...

Wow, this is a great prelude. You've obviously put a lot of thought into the creation of your world. Unlike a lot of "otherworldly" pieces, nothing here seems contrived. Everything is just unique enough to communicate the mystery, but not so exotic as to be corny. The writing style is excellent, and you divulge just enough to get the reader interested in the coming chapters. I really have nothing negative to say about this - am really looking forward to reading the rest of it.