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atlgeorgia's profile
AGE:
20
LOC: Boca Raton, FL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 29
LOC: Boca Raton, FL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 29
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Version 1
3 Reviews
1 Comment
Hold the silver halo The glistening ring of Redemption holds no value to me. The soft linens, too, I imagine, But ashes and sackcloth will suffice. No fruit of the tree of Knowledge Be they figs, dates, grapes or even pears Sheol will suit me fine All I ask- It isn't much- Is for the happiness of my brother.
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Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
<!--StartFragment--> They named her Etienne, because of how luxuriant it sounded, how rich it felt rolling off of their round pink tongues as they cradled her small pink body precariously against their arms. It was also derived from a family name, which is what they told everybody. But they named her Etienne because it sounded royal. When she was at the age of four, they decided she should learn an instrumen...
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This was funny. The image of a long metallic arm was the first hint I got of the interesting inversion here. I would say make the dialogue more realistic but now that I've read the whole thing the rigidity of the sales robot's dialect makes more sense. Maybe you could flesh it out, add a bit more imagery and setting to the dialogue. good luck!
This is great. The analogy of wisdom and age has been done before, but the climactic ending of this really strengthens the poem. The reference to the oral discourses of women is interesting as well, even if thats not something you weren't intentionally alluding to. Excellent work
This is an interesting start, but I'd like to hear more about the environment. Also, maybe Old guy should get a name? 'old guy' in itself makes it sound like its just any old day and you're telling me about some random occurrence, but maybe thats what you're going for here? also, a better description of what's going on with the old guy and the VBN, the atmosphere he creates, the sound of his shoes against the linoleum as the entire store holds its breath, waiting for him to leave...that's the...
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