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avalanche's profile
AGE:
21
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: May 26
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: May 26
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Version 1
8 Reviews
3 Comments
Comrades caught in barbed beliefs Digging holes and planting foes, We gardeners of kin’s despair Cull red crops for sweethearts’ hair. "Like twins born from war", we said, In no-mans land, conceived. "Like brothers born for war!" we cried, Immaculate, deceived. Illusions flounder as battle-shied Boys tell mothers "We'll be home soon" And youths skip round plosive rattle, Fleeing open playground tombs. Like brothers playing side by side, This game is lost by those alive. Returning home, grieve...
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A well-trodden genre, but this poem is definitely original! Some of the quirks aren't working for me, such as "sh!ne/br!ght" and "2gether". The word 'together' originates from 'same' and 'gædere/gether' so it implies what "2" does but more subtly. The brackets and generous use of capitals is not always consistent and sometimes confuses the poem. Perhaps this could be improved by altering the line breaks. "I love to [embrace] you, my arms (around) your waist" is one example where the brackets ...
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