avedis's profile
AGE:
50
LOC: Malaysia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 07
LOC: Malaysia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 07
I was born, had a few careers, now I write.
I will always work at it, but the day writing becomes work, I will quit.
Isn’t it better to get paid for what you love doing?
Items
Version 1
9 Reviews
47 Comments
Staring in the mirror, for a moment she was distracted by her straw blonde hair. “Like millions of wet rat’s tails” Steve had described it. She had spent a lot of money having it permed, his reaction had hurt her deeply. He often hurt her deeply, it was his nature, always attacking, never complimenting. She knew that he thought of it as a form of being loving. That did not make it more bearable, not any more. She hated that smug smile he always had when he thought he had be...
Version 1
3 Reviews
15 Comments
“You’ve shunned the press for so long. Why are you now granting me this interview?” Both the reporter and I had presented a strong case to the prison warder, and he had approved our request. We had been given an interview room for two hours and the cameras were allowed in. Now, with the earnest young man sitting behind his microphone, the bright lights shining on me, and the cameras rolling, I had to laugh and I had to cry. Cameras. They had become the story of my life. I pu...
Version 2
4 Reviews
3 Comments
My daughter is like a pure white rose, plucked and left to wither in the dust. A thornless rose, designed for pleasure not pain, yet upon her flesh, she bears many piercings - the marks of my love. Would I destroy those I love? Not I, that is not my way, though death will be my first gift. Though I feast upon her whilst she dies, she will not be my Lazarus, and I am not her Dives, for I give more than I take, and she will rise again, to be my Eve. Before her came her brother, her lover, ...
Version 1
1 Review
2 Comments
My daughter is like a pure white rose, plucked, and left to wither in the dust. A thorn less rose, designed for pleasure and not pain, yet upon her own flesh, she bears many piercings, the marks of my love. Does one destroy those they love? Not I, that is not my way. She will not be my Lazarus, I gave more than I took, so, she will rise again. I have already created her brother, her lover, Adam. He stands waiting, on the planet I have chosen for their Eden, for I am the s...
Version 2
1 Review
7 Comments
Our outlook can change during the course of a lifetime, especially when one lives as long as I have. My introduction to Earth was not a pleasant experience, far from it. To discover that I could breathe the air, yet be severely damaged by the sun and poisoned by almost everything I tried to eat or drink colored my judgment. By the end of my first week, suffering extreme sun burn, dehydration and starvation, I found myself croaking through parched lips. “Of all the rocks in existence, ...
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Reviews
"A man" - > "The man" to keep consistent and because he is the protagonist. "put on his jacket" -> "and then put on his jacket" stops this being a list. Not sure that I feel the touch of any of the authors you name. Still, not a bad start to the story. A few nit-picks: "for what little protection" -> "for the little protection" "bright, white flash. A small piece of paper." It would have been sodden, so not bright white. "A really big " - > "A really, really big revolver with..." ...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
The basis is here for a very good flash fiction. The theme of "I couldn't help it" coming from the past, and the retribution mirroring the past is excellent. However, i think quite a bit of work is required: First, a technical point. In the UK, serious crimes such as rape and murder are held in the High Court, in front of a judge - not in magistrates court with a JP. The first sentence infers Jas is speaking directly to the reader. The next jars, as he is suddenly talking to someone else (the...
OK, first - this is basically very well written. You do suffer from a syndrome I share - the 'slow start'. My stuff used to be rejected because of this - and the solution is (sadly) you have to put a hook in right at the beginning. This is a 'life story' not an action adventure - so that hook doesn't have to be the 'as he pulled the knife out' crap - but do hint to us the intent behind writing this. Story telling is more than accurately documenting events/feelings in real time - and you have ...
Nice, critical without cynicism. We know her new man is a prick, but little is shown of why the narrator is separated from her. I think that some of her 'faults' would add to this. Some nitpicking: "He left her three dimes". I'd introduce the waitress here -> "He left the waitress three dimes". Then the next sentence -> "She was a nice, did nothing wrong" "and was there promptly " -> "and always came promptly..." "Told us the specials as he rolled his eyes, she still smiled." -> "...
I like this, and the final paragraph does make it a complete story and not a vignette. The style change between the italic sections and the rest work really well. I think you should condense the tripping section quite a bit to make this more publishable - it works, but many would probably find it too much. A full description of trip is, after all, not the real context of the story. That comes from the final escape he has been looking for. I did this in real life, for me it was the loss of con...
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