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AGE:
28
LAST LOGIN: April 03
LAST LOGIN: April 03
In my poetry, i try to comcentrate on how the syllables rhyme and creater their own cadence outside the poem. Trust me, it’s much better as spoken word most of the time. As for my fiction, i have problems with dialouge, but i’m trying hard. I also write screenplays and comic book scripts.
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Jason, the man behind the pharmacy’s counter, was in over his head. Two years ago, he walked into Damon’s Drug and applied for a job. It wasn’t a joke, but he never expected to get a call back. He had always figured he would need some kind of training or experience to get a respectable career like that. Not even a week passed before they called. After the best interview of his life, the only hurdle left was a drug test, and although he was once a user, he’d been clean for close to a decade. A...
Version 1
11 Reviews
6 Comments
An entire city would need to burn to recreate the hue of Emma’s red hair. Through the hotel room window, I could see the nimbus clouds swelling with rain. They soared across the sky much more quickly than the breezes on the ground. In the distance, the tungsten streetlights of the city reflected off of the low hanging clouds, lighting the horizon an ominous orange color. I imagined it all burning to ashes. Springtime always brought weather like that. “Remind me again why we do this,” I asked....
Version 1
15 Reviews
9 Comments
INT Day Charlie’s bedroom An ear piercing alarm repeats over and over. V.O. Charlie. If only I had a little time. If only. Charlie wakes up violently in a nearly empty room. No drapes. A bare light bulb hangs from the ceiling, gently and slowly swinging back and forth. He is gripping tightly to a body pillow in a fetal position. Only a sweat soaked sheet covers him. The alarm is still repeating. A small wooden table sits next to the bed. A digital wristwatch, the source of the alarm, sits on ...
Version 1
6 Reviews
4 Comments
I was 16 when god touched me. The raindrops traced every detail of her beautiful face. I watched in awe as they exploded delicately on her forehead and trickled slowly down the bridge of her nose. All the drops gathered again at the tip, and hesitated before falling away. The rain would not let go. Time had escaped us, and the storm had followed in its wake. There was no more “Be back before the rain comes.” Emma knew she was in trouble. So was I. A vast field separated us from the neighborho...
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you actually had me creeped out for a second. the origin of the shadows is murky for me. maybe try to be a little more blatant. does he figure out what it is? does he ever think of what it could be? something like that would do fine. also. one sentence is out of whack. "In a heartbeat before I regained contact with my own eyes in the mirror I saw the eyes in the reflection, shift." the one comma in it should not be there and it should look like this, i think. "In a heartbeat, before I regaine...
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In this sentence, you forget to end with quotes. The strangers were saying “Go,go over there, to that door. This sentence should maybe be two sentences and expanded a bit. maybe add "I think we were being shooed." Now my next memory is a little shaky, but we were being shooed, yes, I’m positive, we were actually being shooed. otherwise, this was a very nice, high quality read. it brought me in touch with the confusion you must have had.
This was an interesting read. I really enjoyed alot of it, however sometimes i was a little confused. that, however, is not a bad thing for me. I enjoy having to read something twice and realizing that i was stupid when i read it the first time. some people just don't like that though. I'm pretty sure that this entire sentence doesn't need to be there."He’s more than used to it and so attempts to explain further the connection between peanuts and that ‘brick thing’." It is explaining what Gre...
There is good writing here. the only thing that lost me is the first paragraph. I don't understand the need for for those initial thoughts to be in past tense before the story even starts. why not just organise the whole piece to present tense. i think it would flow more easily.
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