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baronvonsauna's profile
AGE:
21
LOC: Travelers Rest, SC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 01
LOC: Travelers Rest, SC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 01
i’m a 20 yr. old working on my writing.
Items
Version 2
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The rivers are drying. They are replaced by avenues littered with the butts of cheap cigars. Black with stones, flowing, as the ocean but not into it, the pulse runs inland. To plains and cities hewed into the landscape by architects. It's riddled with souls, dry, searching for deep water. Choosing stars over streetlights because distance is absurd and comforting. The bloodstreams are all infected with dark, rich mud. The kind that escapes and dilutes into water. I choose to be concentrated. ...
Version 2
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I watched the moon brand midnight sky, a perfect mystery. It drummed a steady back-beat neath a star-shine melody. Abyss took form of ghastly strings, it hummed harmony. Dark earth was bass to groove amidst all silence's debris. One star then shot a solo bronzed the dark and fell back dim. I, with my voice gave life to what I saw and felt within. Men sing the blues when you go cold. So I was bold, I sang them loud. I was proud and uncontrolled, boasted my wistful news. Love, if you could be h...
Version 4
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I'm climbing a mountain, too slow to keep up with my companion. I'm dragged along fifty feet behind, by a tether of pride. My mind juxtaposes this trail with countless trails of my past. Around each bend I expect to drink both foreign and familiar sights, mixed to some anomalous concoction. Slow, syrupy, hard to breathe and shifting, there is a molten river in my throat. It's hard to breathe but it has to be because I'm climbing a mountain. And like a woman, a mountain must be as stubborn as ...
Version 1
1 Review
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I decide to scope out what surrounds me and absorb what needs to stick. My sea-theme rooms, my mirrored blues, my country grace emanate outwards, pulse with the a/c, marry the loneliness can't leave if you don't say. I bite my tongue, imprison the words, cloister them in the tower of my mind. They'll be topically satisfied like aristocrats sentenced to a life of social gatherings. This frees me to revel in the sad shy melodies that only play in thin blue air, so they can weave smoothly in and...
Version 2
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From where I sit I can hear a father's voice straining above the marching band. His naive son has no idea that he is scaring the hell out of his father. The horns roar like elephants. The drums thrash like thunder. The woodwinds stab like lightning cracks. Sweat gathers on everyone like condensation on drinks. Endless milling about, cooked meats, smoke and flies. Everyone I see is laughing and smiling except for a well-dressed perturbed wife and that sad desperate father with lighthouse eyes ...
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Reviews
This was good, surprisingly well written. I don't have any real and immediate qualms with it. The only things i can mention are matters perhaps of preference such as; "He walks less-traveled paths" i understand the word travel seems to be one of the things you use to tie the beginning into the end but if you get rid of this instance of use it would be cleaner and more symmetrical having only two uses, one at the beginning and one at the end. However, if you don't wish to find a synonym for tr...
Poetry
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The Untimely Murder of Thirteen Interns at the Undersized Hands of Someone Who Resembled Dr. Edel...
Removed
i really love the haiku form, it is so clean and simple but i think that the form also really makes pieces vulnerable to being misunderstood and or boring. This luckiy is neither of those things. I am kind of wondering why it starts with the writer talking about themself and then the affection is placed on the writer's words. It is good though, just not quite memorable. A great haiku is one that you can remember forever after hearing just once. Such as "the soles of my shoes are clean from wa...
As i began reading i immediately liked the simplicity of the piece, no complicating the matter with stretching metaphors and weak images. I think i felt your overall point and message but it seems like the initial clarity in the writing is lost a bit in the middle and the confusion kind of continues. Its not that the lines are ugly in how they are put together it's just that they seem to obscure the point with a plethora of ultra specific implications that are not needed for the poems message...
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