bbark's profile
AGE:
20
LOC: La Mirada, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 15
LOC: La Mirada, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 15
Hi, my name is Andrew Perez. I’m 19. Also, I’m not at all interested in the Army. I live in Los Angeles, California and attend Cypress Community College. I enjoy most work from the Beat Generation, and my favorite author is Haruki Murakami. Most of my inspiration comes from him and Jack Kerouac. I write short stories mostly. I’m no good with poetry but I try everyonce in a while. I love subtlety. Theres nothing more crippling than small movements and whispering. And theres nothing more beautiful than harsh criticism. I loathe credits.
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Version 5
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”I have to climb through my bedroom window to get inside my house.” ”Yeah,” he said, “what if someone sees you breaking in?” ”I’m not ‘breaking in.’” ”Um…” ”I’m careful, fool. I make sure my neighbors aren’t looking. I mean I’m not saying that my neighbors would break into my house, but I make sure no one’s around. I wait for cars to pass, you know?” My head was on my shoulders. I could hear my heart beating. I was too big for this car, and he was too small for it. I remembered once I saw hi...
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Version 4
0 Reviews
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”I have to climb through my bedroom window to get inside my house.” ”Yeah,” he said, “what if someone sees you breaking in?” ”I’m not ‘breaking in.’” ”Um…” ”I’m careful, fool. I make sure my neighbors aren’t looking. I mean I’m not saying that my neighbors would break into my house, but I make sure no one’s around. I wait for cars to pass, you know?” My head was on my shoulders. I could hear my heart beating. I was too big for this car, and he was too small for it. I remembered once I saw hi...
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Version 2
1 Review
0 Comments
The doors were obviously already painted over by the time I got there. I wondered what it would have been like when the doors were yellow. The doors were fine now. Blue Blue Yellow. I noticed a small chip in the door which showed the used-to-be yellow. It actually looks like yellow blue orange green brownblackwhitenoseforehead wood. I opened the door to my sociology class. Don't like the teach. Don't likey. I sat as usual not doing anything and listening to him for hours, filling my head with...
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Version 1
1 Review
2 Comments
The shadow figure, I can't see. It runs through open fields. arms open. chasing the setting sun.
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Version 3
0 Reviews
0 Comments
”I have to climb through my bedroom window to get inside my house.” ”Yeah,” he said, “what if someone sees you breaking in?” ”I’m not ‘breaking in.’” ”Um…” ”I’m careful, you know? I make sure my neighbors aren’t looking. I mean I’m not saying that my neighbors would break into my house, but I make sure no one’s around. I wait for cars to pass, eh?” My head was on my shoulders. I could hear my heartbeat. It sounded like "Da Dum Da Dum Dum Dum." I was too big for this car, and he was too small...
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To be honest, I'm horrible at writing these reviews and on such a serious subject I hardly doubt I have anything worth saying. I read all of it. What you have here. Come the end I was lost I thought maybe I missed something or it was something I just didn't comprehend. I enjoyed all of it and didn't feel like it was dragging at any one point but sometimes when you changed the scenery it was too sudden and I didn't pick it up right away. Even if they were broken up with '#' I just read over th...
Really, really sweet story. Its very short clearly, don't even know why I mentioned that. Only thing...I think the only thing any will ever think of this is "sweet". Or maybe "lovely". I believe you want her to realize she pressed D instead of N right after or as she is pressing "Send Mail" (Typo by the way, you put "Sent Mail") because it doesn't play off well unless she typed the letter in 2 seconds flat without even thinking of what she was going to put in the first place, and since she th...
Ehhh. OK. I'd think about breaking it into several stanzas. Its very straight foward and your point is well taken. Your point has also been done by about 15 X 1012 other people. And the your narration is too "in your face." You use "you" too much. I can understand that maybe thats the way you wanted your poem to sound, preachy. But keep in mind it sounds more like you're directing this poem to one person only. The reader probably will feel like its not any of his or her business to be reading...
Looks like a sentense with breaks?? Suggestion: pick up a book of haikus
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Holy crap. I don't even know what to say. This is glorious. First off, congrats on having the most brilliant prose i've ever read. So dull and mundane yet having that "oomph" that just kept me interested. The ending killed me. I wouldn't make any changes. Just send it to get published or something. It really needs to be published.
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