bbillycurtis's profile

you got me with the 2nd paragraph twist. excellent. he has taken from the director. should be he had taken from the director. i would get rid of one of the word figured in the following sentence: figure standing before him. “Oh, sorry; lunch break has been called, you know?” Connor said looking up at the ominous figure. i think [[for his heart racing. should be for his racing heart. its all a little more gory than my taste, but keep it up

This is an awesome first line. I also love the way you write the dialogue, even though it sounds a little forced at times, I think the characters really would sound that way. A few suggestions: lose the comma in: tomes, of stories great line: The leprechauns came and made my pen squeak. you have a very confident and interesting voice for a young writer. I do think the stream of conciousness rambling is interesting enough to pull this off for the most part, but it may be nice to have an occasi...

Ouch. I can feel the pain just reading this. My suggestions would be to be careful about the word "had" such as in: Liz had put a washcloth on my forehead. It slows down the pace of things and often you can simply delete the word and make the action more immediate. I really loved the line: No, this was like some deluxe Marquis DeSade model with straps and buckles, belts and buzzers. It was really my first inkling that all was not well. Keep up the good work

You are good at portrying the action and pain and deperation that Stella feels. The language is clear and interesting. A few small suggestions: One line begins: "Now with adrenaline," just a couple paragraphs after her adrenaline was pointed out. Watch for the use of the word had when you don't need it: "pinks had now become her large street signs." is less passive as "pinks became her large street signs." I really loved the line: trying to nod her way out of the situation. AWESOME. Finally, ...