On my first runthrough I found the initial passage difficult and annoying. The method grew on me as I read the rest. When I went back to the top to begin my review, I couldn't find the part where it had seemed so clumsy and awkward. So, in the end it works BUT... had I opened this first page to make a buying decision, I would have passed on it before I had the chance to figure out it actually worked for me. You need to figure out (I'd tell you but I don't know the answer) what about the centr...

Nearly every sentence needs to be cut down into two or three sentences. Example: Her slender limbs were carrying her as quickly as she could force them in order to get as far away as possible from the presence she felt was closing in around her. Possible fix - She fled the presence she felt closing about her. Her slender limbs strained to get her as far away as possible. You do far more telling than showing. Example: Her chest heaved sporadically and her lungs burned with a fierce fire as a r...

You switch rhyming schemes back and forth throughout but without a pattern. It comes off as lack of attention rather than purposeful. I like the following best... Mans gotta have his freedom The plaintiffs verdant plea To get away from you And you away from me The subject definitely feels lived, the rythym works fairly well and there are no glaring errors aside from the changing rhymes.

There are a nuymber of errors throughout. I am taking the following passage as an example of the types of errors you need to watch for.... Steven spots a store that they both know and runs for it, pulling Theresa behind her . He curses under his breath, realizing that the store is close . Theresa smiles a little, because she notices that the awning was open , she tugs at him to continue. You managed well in conveying the emotion of the moment and of moments past. Look to your technical issue...

L3 - the word normal doesn't quite fit... plain might be better.. something of a single sylable L10 - benevolent implies power over another.... I'd recommend a word free of that implication L12 - this line gives the sense that it is the bowl of cereal being filled with joy rather than the moment in time, which I think is what you meant to imply A nice little happy moment shared.... thanks.

There was a certain menace about them, indistinguishable but present just the same, as they sat silently. ....... I'd remove the final clause and replace 'certain' with 'silent' for better flow. He doubted that who ever had arranged for them to be here was ..... replace "had arranged for them to be " with "had sent them"... less clumsy which flexed involuntarily in ...... this would indicate a seizure of some sort... try saying "which he flexed unconsciously" Semper Fi he said under his breat...

First, the easy answer.... I have hundreds of Fantasy titles on my shelves and pay little attention the chapter title. This is also true for the small bits of verse or ancient text quotes. It could be it is just me, but they essentially don't exist to me. I've noticed that some authors use them as a form of lazy man's forshadowing and they seem to be a constant in young adult fiction. Perhaps kids find them a comfort or just need that nudge to keep going. His lips curled back as he threw the ...

L1 - I'm assuming you meant humorous rather than the arm bone. L4 - even in poetry it is best not to leave things dangling, try switching it around to remove 'is' from the end of the line A pleasant little tribute to a friend. Nice.

L1 and L2 - Excellent verse, expressive and lyrical L3 - I'd replace 'smudge' with 'brush' or something that gives the impression of tool use. Smudge made me thing of finger painting while the first two lines made me thing of brush strokes. L4 - 'smother' is too similar to 'smudge' and breaks the rythym. I'd look for a different sounding word.. perhaps 'blind' or 'deaden' L7 to L9 - you return to beautiful verse here again. I'd look closely at L3 to L6 and try to capture that same sense of po...

Daydream buckles under the pressure and slowly retreats against overwhelming odds. .... I'd eliminate this line... it weakens the previous line's originality. Daydream is now doing it’s General Custer bit and is making the present pay dearly in nanoseconds ... ot sure Custer is the best choice here since he is widely known as a victim rather than a punisher. The commentator bit runs a little long. Since you break off suddenly, I am comfortable recommending that you ut everything after the "Do...