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bdplume's profile

bdplume avatar
AGE: 25
LOC: Silver Spring, MD
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: February 23

My passion for writing is newly discovered, though throughout my education I was praised for my proficiency.  I’m testing the depth of that passion and my dedication.  This site seems an excellent tool to that end.

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Version 1
8 Reviews   6 Comments
The twin shuttles danced majestically, never with the slightest loss of grace, and often within mere meters of catastrophic collision. Their hulls, painted in a striking swirl pattern of the traditional Advancement Day blue and orange, shone like polished gemstones with greater luster than nature can effect. The smooth, teardrop shape served also to draw the eye; the colors melted into one another yet retained a sharp contrast. Inside the lead shuttle, distinguished only by the slightly high...
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Version 1
8 Reviews   14 Comments
That was when I surrendered. Of course, I didn’t realize it at the time. Strapped to that cold, hard table, my physical resistance had worn out long ago. I still had the illusion, however, that I was fighting them. What force could possibly have persuaded me to submit to these beings I so despised…indeed considered anthropomorphized evil? It was the anguish of that tragic moment when so many lives — one hundred thirty-four, I later found out — were lost. At that momen...
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First: very nice twist on the cliche of the "jump-off-a-bridge" suicide. Just enough to tantalize, as well. Well done. Second: the biggest thing I'm noticing is a repeated pattern of adjective-noun, adjective-noun, adjective-noun. For example: early hour, azure tint, gold leaves, red ones, bed's edge, small notebook, side-table drawer...that's eight in two sentences. None of these is a problem on its own and all are perfectly acceptable phrasings...but together like that it draws attention aw...
Novel Treatments / New Breed
Too many -y words in your opening paragraph. None of them are bad on their own, but salty, swiftly, early, rocky, heavy all in rapid succession like that is a bit much. It isn't helpful that one of the more important words (bay) also ends with a y. I think the safest ones to eliminate are salty (bays are salty by definition), early (readers know it's early because of the dew), and heavy (can be replaced with "thick" or a synonym). "Only" furthers this problem, and is also confusing. Does it m...
Non-fiction / Quantico Cowboy
I like your opening paragraph, but I'm not sure it works as an opener. It's kind of jarring to step right into that, as a reader. "few-horse town" This particular phrase didn't work for me, but I like that kind of small twist on the usual, generally. I like "Girl Friday" but suggest "Jane Friday" or something more specific, because it took me a moment to connect it to the earlier Dragnet reference, as is. Nice imagery, but I'm not sure if "guillotine" is the right sharp instrument...what you ...
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Short Story / You Hum
Very powerful language. An early note: "plausible and severe." Plausible seems like a strange word choice. Did you mean "palpable" or something similar? "Both fill your lungs and spreads" Looks like a typo - drop the s in spreads. You have an excellent vocabulary and a knack for freshness. I would disagree with anyone who called this too verbose; I think most of the words do important work, especially in terms of mood. It isn't adverby.
50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
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Novel Treatments / Turtle
Novel Treatments / Turtle, 2
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