beej's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: Lakewood, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 12
LOC: Lakewood, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 12
i’m more of a scribbler than a writer …
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
Verse 1: You’ve got your morning classes Well-trimmed and neatly packaged The hours ticking off With endless lists that you accomplish And if ever the lights are blackened Consider the night expanse and Maybe you’ll discover Where you’re headed Chorus: Stars are set in chaos They’re there to remind us To ever be joyous That God in all his splendor Considers you tender So I say, “Rejoice” Verse 2: We’ve talked of education This need to fill our heads with The details of the trade And endless l...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
Cities You Divorce VERSE 1: Foreign shoes on foreign soil As locals tire of local foibles And pictures on postcards Increase in their appeal Set your sights on some distant nation And stamps will mark your destination You promised yourself You’d do something rash for a change PRECHORUS: You’re looking forward to changing your clocks And cramming belongings in a lonely box We’ve had these discussions on settling down But you’ve had enough of this town CHORUS: Skylines and airport signs Connect...
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Reviews
Bloody marvelous! Great storytelling and use of language. I really dig the line "you sometimes melt the tracks," it's highly original and really heavy. On another note, did you intentionally split the poem up so the reveal would be on the next page? If so, clever use of the media. If anything I'd probably tinker with the second chorus ("life seems like the law"), it feels vague and lacks as much punch as the first and third choruses. Overall, great job.
Lucky you. Love the irony. Ever visit the Hotel California? What if you use the word "swallowed" instead of "drowning"? That would make it an alliteration, and add to it, no? Just a thought. Good job.
I admire your desire to be honest and sincere. However, it's riddled with cliches that don't work past a step above literal. If you must stick with these words, try messing around with the punctuation. You could pack a lot of punch (cliche!) by not, going, with, just commas and trying! something... different?
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Yes, I read your notes, but I'll still give a review. "Honestly" is cliche, as are adverbs in general. Keep trying.
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