beetrees's profile
AGE:
35
LOC: Winter Park, FL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 11
LOC: Winter Park, FL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 11
Hi! My name is Betty, living in the U.S.
I found this site through Myspace, believe it or not. I have been rping for a while and wish to expand my writing into larger pieces of work. I have started a novel, but I think that for now, the best thing would be to keep it to short stories. I just started a short story based on one of my roleplaying characters, Yukihiiro.
Anything else you wanna know? Just ask. :D
Have a good day.
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Version 1
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A waitress starves; can't pay bills!
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Version 1
4 Reviews
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Born a Warrior It was 1180 when the war began. He was a mere warrior, an uneducated yet strong man. He had just a second to look up into the setting sun and feel how weary he truly was. He felt an emptiness inside of him. Apart from the constant fighting, he knew that he needed something more. Everything was taking a toll on his mind and body. With kitana in hand, he slashed through his opponents with ease. Timing was crucial as well as focus when it came to war. He only hoped his strength wo...
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Ok. So by page four I said a little silent "Aha!" to myself. So that's what the POV was all about. I congratulate you on that, it is sometimes difficult to do. It is a wonderful piece so far. Your imagery is spot on, very vivid. It was very enjoyable to read albeit a horror story. The transitions were smooth and when they weren't, it was done on purpose. The story made me feel sad for Zee, which means that you did a great job with your character development. I am looking forward to reading mo...
Page 1 Detective John Kemper sits at his desk-it seems you are writing in past tense, so I would suggest changing it to John Kemper sat at his desk. Keep an eye on those little details. He laughs at his own joke before continuing Suggestion: He laughed at his own joke before continuing. Page 2 Scott nods, putting his cigarette out on the floor. Did you do some research before writing this piece? Police stations are smoke-free, as are most places in the U.S. So I'm not sure this would fit. Per...
Since there are 17 pages, I will review each one as I read them. Page one: You can decipher who is speaking, making each character stand out without having to ask yourself who is saying what. Some people can't pull that off. I can picture Ellis Carey perfectly. William seems a bit myterious as well as "she". I don't know who she is, but I'm sure I'll find out later. You lead into the second paragraph quickly, meaning that there is very little background information. If it's meant to be that w...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
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