beysshoes's profile

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AGE: 49
LOC: Mountain View, HI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 12

Sarai

Item Stats
Reviewer Stats
Items
Version 2
1 Review   1 Comment
A Soul for the Fucking I tell myself I'm fine dwelling in the space of dark. Sila. No markings of real life. I lay in wait, for another time. Some times a man's spark trips up And lands on my private onset. Off I go into the jubilee It’s happening one more time. I take words, scripts, and passports…at cost. Cons. Activists. Sullied or moored. Dreamers. Runners. Button-hole a friend. Just give me my one more time. Just let me pretend this may be real Jump up my stalled libido smoking under its...
Ratings & Rankings
Poetry / "Was It You"
Version 1
0 Reviews   0 Comments
Was that you on the sun kissed easy in Dockers shoes and steel blue shirtsleeves. I thought I heard your wag Peddling a faint. Was that your smile that nicked me, beaming anew. Holding onto a gaze Curled in reissued mirth. It looked like you I pinched Carrying parcels and books I saw the back of you walk away, still wearing my daystar. The night-blinds have lifted the juggins And, still, I rummage... In my quest for the key to the nightlatch. I listen and hear the soundless mime lorry the ra...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
0 Reviews   0 Comments
A Soul for the Fucking I tell myself I'm fine dwelling in the space of dark. Sila. No markings of real life. I lay in wait, for another time. Some times a man's spark trips up And lands on my private onset. Off I go into the jubilee It’s happening one more time. I take words, scripts, and passports…at cost. Cons. Activists. Sullied or moored. Dreamers. Runners. Button-hole a friend. Just give me my one more time. Just let me pretend this may be real Jump up my stalled libido smoking under its...
Ratings & Rankings
Short Story / "Almost Elwood Jones"
Version 6
1 Review   1 Comment
The Scarring of Jones The headlines screamed “Mass Murder in Paradise” It told of the shooting deaths of seven corporate island men who had lived honorable, hard working, family driven lives. It described the stark interruption of an ordinary balmy island morning, by a “disgruntled colleague who snapped”. What began as a pink slip, delivered the week before, had over the weekend digested. The process malfunctioned; the recipient didn’t go away. Instead he returned with his own brand of pink s...
Short Story / "Scarring Jones"
Version 5
0 Reviews   0 Comments
The Scarring of Jones The headlines screamed “Mass Murder in Paradise” It told of the shooting deaths of seven corporate island men who had lived honorable, hard working, family driven lives. It described the stark interruption of an ordinary balmy island morning, by a “disgruntled colleague who snapped”. What began as a pink slip, delivered the week before, had over the weekend digested. The process malfunctioned; the recipient didn’t go away. Instead he returned with his own brand of pink s...
Reviews
Poetry / Misplaced
Its rare to find a poem so honest and strong in its impact. I'd fine tune a few lines: “Why have you left me. Why?” "Changed. Unreachable. Is she forever gone?" A few tweaks on the final few lines could close this strongly as this poem merits. Good job.
This is a stronger beginning. A strong image to hook the reader. All that preceded this could be condensed in a few lines and inserted here and there in a more colorful manner. "She wrote on the purple message board on her bedroom door, “tired, jetlag, sleeping, DON’T DISTURB. See you in the morning”, she locked the door, put some pillows under the covers of her bed and out the window she went. " Cut this out: "There was trash all over the front lawn, a lawn gnome’s head was chopped off and ...
Young Adult / Life
Locked
Poetry / Widow
Locked
Short Story / You Can Be Lawrence
THE STORY IS COMPELLING. But I must confess it was hard labor to get through the density of the telling. Gosh, you're worst than I am. You insist upon writing a drawing. Okay, let me illustrate how the changing of syntax can place accents where you need them. The intensity needs some lifting here and there; so the lines need to be shorter. Attention to cadence and thought sequence esp. needs to be paid. For example: Permit me to rearrange a few lines to illustrate this point: "A small gust of...