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bigdaddywrites's profile
AGE:
40
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 06
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 06
Born and raised in Fort Wayne, Indiana, presently located in Dallas, Texas.
You can read more about me and view all of my works on my personal site:
http://bigdaddywrites.googlepages.com/
Items
Version 2
1 Review
0 Comments
JAZZ A solitaire couple bobs and braids Alone Amidst other such similar isolated. Musk and Citrus Flower, stiff in the breeze, Above tiny asphalt pebbles shuffle. An over coat, Tweed, flutters in destiny rhythm With Post-rain humidity and Drain-stream mix. Double-vision taxi lights glide, glowing over Streets beneath the sparkling rows of beads above. Inside, Crystal Chimes over low Bass humming. Success, Shined Leather and Furs swirl among Brass, And Wet Eyes, peaceful yet sorrowful, observes.
Version 1
4 Reviews
2 Comments
JAZZ A solitaire couple bobs and braids Alone Amidst other such similar isolated. Musk and Citrus Flower, stiff in the breeze, Above tiny asphalt pebbles shuffle. An over coat, Tweed, flutters in destiny rhythm With Post-rain humidity and Drain-stream mix. Double-vision taxi lights glide, glowing over Streets beneath the sparkling rows of beads above. Inside, Crystal Chimes over low Bass humming. Success, Shined Leather and Furs swirl among Brass, And Wet Eyes, peaceful yet sorrowful, observe.
Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
HEARSE HOODS REMAINED CLOSED With ever flawless ease, It blows through autumn leaves, Like a diamond head on asphalt trails It slithers past many souls: A man fights gravity, but Earth pulls folds of flesh over his eyes. Skin dangles from his chin. A woman browses; sticky. The rag doll drags a screeching wagon Its wheels are gone. Frictionless It proceeds to rock gardens 'Till it finds a hole And pokes in its head. Soon, all must ride that snake's neck.
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
FEMALE HORSE OF THE NIGHT Oh, Nightmare, Hateful Nightmare, Whose hooves pierce my spirit deep, Why remind you me my sorrows and fears? Your whip-like tail with blades of the past Does thrash with ruthless vengeance; Carrying away with it pieces of my heart. Taunt me no longer with your 'Nays' For they so painfully shred my patience. And trample not these already broken bones. Oh Nightmare, Pitiless Nightmare, Return whence you came.
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
THE SHELTER Take nest in my arms And bathe in the warmth So I may be your companion; To cry your tears and Reflect your smiles And offer my lips to your passion.
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Reviews
The notes above bring more clarity, but the quote by itself, I feel, doesn't stand well alone. To sculp normally refers to forming an object, but a pathway is more two-dimensional...I guess that doesn't sit well with me looking at the phrase alone without the explanation in your notes.
Nice style. The storyline is interesting too, nice ending...overall very well done. I'm impressed.
I like the concept, but I feel you're putting yourself in a box with the structure. Example, the first line of the second stanza reads as the last line of the first stanza. With poetry, I feel that, while structure and rhythm is good, you can limit yourself that way. Last stanza is great. A kind of "all is vanity" type thing.
It doesn't work so well on it's own. You notes help, but I think it could be misinterpreted or not interpreted at all as it stands alone.
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