blacktiger's profile
AGE:
45
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 26
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 26
Hi I’m Joshua, I’ve been writing for about a year and have had 5 film reviews published online on two different websites, and I have had a near-future sci-fi short story published on yet another site in January 2007.
www.pantechnicon.net/stories/biomodem.php
I’m currently 50,000 words into a fantasy fiction novel, the first of five books.
I like parkour, MMOs, Rai, bad jokes and the sound of my own voice.
I believe reviewing is critically acclaiming work, especially the story-telling. However, reviewing is not proof-reading! So please keep the punctuation and grammar suggestions to a minimum.
Authentic details, good characters and believable plots are needed to stimulate my imagination. So, that’s what I tend to award marks…
Items
Version 1
8 Reviews
2 Comments
I see the tunnel in front of me. Bright scarlet washed with blood, purified and bleaching with dazzling brilliance. White light, white tunnel, white tube, no, a wave, churning and babbling with unceasing surf. A susurrus of suffering surges through me, an infinity of souls, confused and deranged. All are familiar, all are known, open to each other’s emotions and drowning in the foam. I see armies poised as hoplites, feeling every heartbeat and every piercing wound. I carry flint axes, kopis, ...
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Dreams are difficult to describe and for the reader to comprehend, this is complicated further by the unusual vocabulary used in the opening paragraphs of this piece. Later the style changes into a freer voice that uses simpler language to describe the bizarre sequences. Overall it feels like two halves of writing with the former evolving into better writing in the second half; the latter's strength lies within its simpler prose. Most readers will be frustrated by story elements that are unfa...
It's charming and I like the feisty girl who tries her hardest then loses her temper when nothing works. Presenting two issues dilutes and mystifies both morals. I think it should end with the leaves rather than bringing in the thornier matter of the acorns. The simple message of 'listening rather than assuming' works as a strong moral in this story. The issue of procreation could be tackled in another tale.
It's clumsy and I don't get it. Are you trying to say that we are fooled into seeing things before we climb a large mountain? And why use the word 'click' to refer to distance. It's almost zen.
Perhaps your name is Job. What are you trying to say? That God is keeping you alive because you've angered him? That God enabled alarm clocks to be invented just to make your life hell? How is God punishing you needs to be more clearly defined for this rhetoric to make sense.
This piece is too descriptive and needs drastic editing. Only refer to personal appearance/clothing/equipment that gives you an insight into the character and keep it to a minimum! Three things max! Derrick's actions should define who he is so get him doing something. In nearly 6000 words he's walked into a pub, had a drink, a chat, a quick nap and pocketed three coins. If this a standard longer length novel that's more than one twentieth of it already gone. Your heavy investment in world-pla...
50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
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