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AGE:
25
LOC: NY, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 09
LOC: NY, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 09
Found Urbis looking for a place to get honest reviews and could not be happier.
My reviews are honest and on point and are, for the moment, focused exclusively on Science Fiction and Fantasy, I genre in which I am incredibly well read.
I will focus on what is wrong with the story and what will make it stronger. I will not criticize without telling you how your writing can be improved, unless it is clear you put absolutely no work into the piece.
I enjoy functional work with realistic characters. If what you put up for review is a very rough draft, chances are I will not like it, as I most definitely prefer polished work. I set the same standards for myself before submitting something, so I expect no less of you.
—Currently…
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Version 1
5 Reviews
2 Comments
Finally, after two months of observation, we manage to bag a specimen. “Interrogation parameters, Lydia?” asks Comp, my onboard A.I. “Minimally invasive sentient species specification five. Give it the full spectrum Comp, but don’t poke it enough to make it mad. I don’t want you messing up like you did during our last species analysis. I can still smell it in the aft section.” Being bored and fancying myself a great intergalactic diplomat, I had enter...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
5 Reviews
22 Comments
“Interrogation parameters Lydia?” asked Comp, my A.I. “Minimally invasive sentient species specification five. Give it the full spectrum Comp, but don’t poke it enough to make it mad. I don’t want you messing up like you did during our last species analysis. I can still smell it in the aft section”. Being bored and fancying myself a great intergalactic diplomat, I had entered the observation room and given our subject a glass of water as a sign of our newfo...
Ratings & Rankings
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Some of the action feels a bit disjointed and your descriptions lack a bit of detail. Especially in horror you want your reader to picture the scene exactly, leaving little if anything to the imagination. Just because the attack happens quickly doesn't mean you need to speed through it the way you do. The point of view is a bit funky. We don't know what the victim is feeling, and I think if you showcased that it would add a lot to the story. The way it takes a second or two for the pain to hi...
Cut back a bit on the dialogue. Let your characters actions speak for them. Instead of saying "How", for example, they can raise an eyebrow. A little more physicality will go a long way to improving the 'realness' of your characters. Ok just finished reading the whole thing and my previous comment still stands. In addition to that, add some more descriptive prose around the dialogue, flesh it out a bit more, as it is a bit dense in its current state. Also, try and give your characters a voice...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
"Philip threw his hands up in confusion." Not a very believable physical response. "You’ll forever be branded a criminal" Awkward phrasing. This isn't a debate club, try and make the conversation a bit more gritty and life like. "Philip quickly transformed into a black scaly snake." Not sure if one sentence is enough to describe the transformation. You might want to embellish/tease this out a little. "The glow faded and slowly did Philip’s energy" Rephrase this one as well. The snake killing ...
I think you still have a few tense issues to work through. It is a bit jarring to go from present to past tense. I don't find the character's voice all that believable. We are essentially hearing his thoughts and I still don't have a very good sense of what kind of person he is. You imply that the harem is made up of men but you don't come out and say it. Maybe is the ex-king were to think back fondly on some specific occasion there it might clear things up a bit. All in all, there are a litt...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
I'm hooked. I thought this was excellent, and I know my fantasy like few others. The story is engaging and we start to get a sense of the characters without being bogged down in details. While the world in which they live is a little vague, we do get a rough sense of it. I can only suggest a couple improvements, but if not the story is excellent. Remember that you stated it was cold out. You don't go into many details, but I would think that a creature coming out of the water would show a rea...
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