You hit the nail on the head about a portion of myspace. I am 32, but a new user of myspace. I have noticed, at least for myself, that I am more free in my profile than I am in person. I guess it is partly a feeling that the people there are only "virtual" and I most likely won't meet them anyway. I think there is a huge potential in allowing independent artists get their work out into the world. And, after all, myspace is what led me here to Urbis. I guess it all boils down to your interests...

Wow, you had me going at the beginning. I liked the opening set up as if it was a seriously researched piece. In the first paragraph, you made great use of the descriptive wording to set the scene. I thought that in the second paragraph, you got a bit too wordy with describing the different colored togas. And I got the impression that you were going to start rambling in the rest of the story. You proved me wrong in the dialog section and then you hit me with the punch line. I had to laugh as ...

I really liked the imagery in your writing. It certainly evokes a sense of hopelessness and dread. I am not certain of a couple lines, however. "Fallen angels couldn't rectify my spirit" doesn't seem to fit to me. Fallen angels wouldn't right the speaker's spirit from doom and the speaker seems hopeless to want salvation even if they could; "I seek apathy". And the last line, "boldly I face my damnation." seems to suggest that there is a strength to the speaker that the rest of the writing im...

I think you make some good points. I think what you describe is a pattern of life, a pattern of growing up or rather growing into a more mature person. Some people grow up but never mature. I can see myself in your timeline, at the point of confusion, having coming from an "I lost it all" moment and really just figuring out what is truely important for myself. Thank you for sharing your philosophy.

I think that it is a good start to expressing the stressful nature of the job that you do. I can relate having a background in law enforcement; I have seen many things like this and understand how depersonalization is necessary to cope with what you must do. Technically, you have to consider who you are writing for, your audience. You use a lot of jargon that not everyone can relate to. And, there are points where you jump from describing actions to an inner dialog. These parts need to be bro...

I really like the imagery in this poem. It captures the fleeting satisfaction in noncommitted sex and alludes to the high price that it costs, the broken heart of someone who may actually love you. I think the transformation of the smooth images at the start to the "choppy," work here with the spirit of the message. The start is the suave flirt and capture that leads to the emotional emptiness and regrets that come in bursts.

It sounds interesting and a very complex underpinning to a novel. It could be developed into an epic along the lines of some of J R R Tolkein’s writing. As a stand alone piece of poetry it is too cryptic and vague to make much sense. I can’t criticize much about the lack of punctuation, as my poetry is mostly devoid of it as well, but here I had trouble trying figure out what was what. I think a few breaks of punctuation may help to clear it a little. Its more a poetic riddle. I hope you cont...

I liked the undertones of desperation and monotony in the banal life of the home-maker. I see it radiating out into her whole existance yet oblivious to the one she loves with a "lemon-fresh" polish of satisfaction.

You have very good use of imagery, but not sure that I like it as a poem. It has a lot of elements that could be developed more or added into a story.

Overall, I liked the imagery. In the notes, you indicate it expresses a dream of someone perfect but ultimately unattained. The poem does not feel as cynical as indicated but seems almost more of a reminiscent memory than a dream of something that never happened. I didn't like the use of the word "spoon" and I think it detracts from the overall image and seems out of place. I would suggest a line like 'Like vines intertwined, lovers together' instead of "When we spoon, lovers together"