brainfreeze's profile

The only reason I didn't rank you highly for "Young Adult--Overall" is because I think this story would be better served in the "Children" section. Young adults have usually stopped believing in Santa Claus and Old Man Winter at this point. However, you did a beautiful job at telling the origins of Santa Claus--beginning with how Old Man Winter was trying to find solutions to humankind's dislike of winter.

First paragraph, p. 2--"For reasons he chooses not to not to..."--take out one of them. Combine the second paragraph on p. 2 with the first sentence of the third paragraph, changing "but" to "however". Never start a sentence with "but"--it becomes a sentence fragment. "We found Fabian in Rome"--put this at the end of the second paragraph. This way, Fabian's answer will flow more freely. Be mindful of point of view--when I was reading, I thought that Tristan was talking; however, the story is ...

You need to expand more on your plot and characters. Did the other children see the witch? Did Cara go home and tell her parents or grandparents? Older people are most certainly likely to come up with a story to tell as a warning to bad children. When Cara went to bed that night, what happened? Expand on these things.