This is a very good piece of writing. However, one thing that could use some improvement is character development. Naturally, we'll learn more about Haadi as the story goes on. But our first impression reads like a American's stereotypical idea of a suicide bomber. A foreigner, unaccustomed to American ways yet enthralled by them. Now, this doesn't have to be untrue for Haadi - after all, part of the plot is that he IS a bit inept and that's how he fails at his mission. However, give us somet...

"Officious ganglion of unusual design..." This phrase is interesting but tells me nothing as to what the building actually looks like. The next few sentences move on to the the outside of the building, which is well depicted, but this vague imagery here is never clarified. I loved the idosyncratic characters, but beware of the fine line between humor and camp. I don't think you've crossed it, just be aware of it. I didn't like your statement that a looseleaf sheet of paper was "nailed" to his...

I'm sorry, but I strongly disagree with your piece. I haven't finished it as I couldn't read more that a few pages without noticing some glaring errors: 1. I dislike your use of the first person conversational tone in what is presented as a factual, informational book. The tone only causes the piece to sound less like research and more like conspiracy. The New England Journal of Medicine is written in third person, because it's more professional. 2. You say that you have learned these truths ...

I liked this piece. The imagery was great - I could visualize it all well. However, it felt more like a short story than a poem until the very end, when you played with the spacing for dramatic effect. It was good. I would suggest that you explore the freedom of poetry more. Your sentences don't need to be complete, and punctuation is flexible. You have a good sense of adjectives and timing, so keep it up. Overall it was good.

Overall this is pretty good. I like the imagery you use. I don't like how you break up "high pitched /voices". That should be in the same line. Also, you made a typo - it accidentally says "teh sun". Your description in the last two stanzas doesn't seem to mesh with the idea of riding an animal. Forgive me, but it comes off almost... sexual. I'm certain that's not what you're aiming for; I think you're trying to convey the sense of power and exhilaration you get when you tame the wild beast b...

Wow. You express very strong feelings in this piece. I liked it. I could feel the same dread, the same hatred and sheer loathing for this false-faced person - but there is absolutely no indication of who this person is, or what they did. Male? Female? Coworker? Relative? Online friend? Did they stalk the narrator, bully them, or even rape them? Perhaps you're deliberately leaving out the details, but I as a reader am curious about the source of this deep insatiable hatred and terror. Flesh it...

You have a vivid imagination. You've created an entire world in your head - but unfortunately, it's actually hindering you. You want to give us an atlas and an encyclopedia all about Elvitans, but as the saying goes, "Show, don't tell." I'm not interested in the history of the world. Just show me your world, and I will begin to understand it. A little explanation isn't out of place, but you have a LOT going on. Now for some pointers. 1. If you freely admit that Elvitans are essentially elves,...

I hate to make this such a long review - but you asked for it. Here's the minor problems, condensed. They really did it thought Donovan. Change it to: They really did it, thought Donovan. This is a consistent problem. The end of any dialogue, quote or thought always needs a comma if the sentence continues after it. Backed by the cadence of the respirator... "Backed" is a visual description. I assume you're talking about sound here. A better description would be "Underscored by the rhythmic wh...

Wow. This is a powerful and personal story, and I think it's incredible. That being said, your grammar could use some work. The quotation marks are all over the place, often missing (usually at the end of a quote. There are also a lot of places where I think it seems more natural to use contractions. For example: “I am sorry,” I whispered. It seems more natural to say "I'm sorry". Of course, this is an artistic choice; however, I think it will really improve the narrative all around to change...

Well, this is very intense. Too intense, I think. You risk alienating the reader by opening with some very disturbing imagery. I understand that this may be what you're going for, a shock factor, but even still it's a little much. The idea of a tattoo artist being aroused by his tattooing is discomfiting to say the least. However, if you are going to go in that direction, embrace the idea that this character is somewhat perverted, twisted and dark. When he starts imagining killing the girl an...