chantelisner's profile

You may have placed the discriptions in other writings but while they were engaging each other for the first time i was left wondering what they looked like. ie hair color body shape "athletic skinny shapely" the shape of their face things of that sort. As for the actions they are wonderfull the sentance stucture brought me into the story. I could imagine him touching her with your words. It was a great read. It kind of threw me in the end when he was so insistant when she was saying no. in t...

when the alcohol smelling liquid was thrown i didnt find out until page 5 that it was drinking alcohol not some kind of volitile alcohol smelling liquid. maybe you could add something to clarify. The build up was good. at the end it went all to fast. The head entering the car in the end was a bit much but the head falling off the torso that got me going. it was a real page turner i enjoyed it deeply.

The story sounds great but where is you attention getter? The plot sounds riviting but the first paragraph dosen't scream read me to the rest of the letter. It seems a bit long winded as well. I would leave out the part where you tell them how long it took for you to write it as well they might not want to read it if you tell them it was a six week job. Most writers spend years. Try starting with your line Imagine you made the scientific discovery of a lifetime, but could not prove it! That i...

If there are 2 people in the room in a conversation you don't have to put the he says or she says, it just slows down the piece. besides that i think you got a winner :) it was lacking setting of the scene when you changed scenes.