so if you aren't your mind--who are you? a smiling, scribbling ball of intense nothingness? seriously, i can relate the feeling of helplessly observing as "i" am stymied by my mind's insistence of having a mind of its own(bu--is it ITS mind?) my only criticism of this poem are the words "organized fashion". seems like there would be a way to convey that more deftly (and with fewer syllables).

the main problem i have with this poem is the way certain lines in the middle stanza are syntactically twisted into awkward shapes by the need to make them rhyme. for example the line "must we feed on faith behind closed eyes, made blind, it's hard to learn"--the last four words just don't work with the others. and the phrase "the fakes we find devout" doesn't make sense to me. the first and third stanzas work much better and are easier to grasp. i would advise revising that middle one to mak...

sorry, but i can't make any sense whatsoever out of this. perhaps it's just way over my head; but phrases like "disappointing sombre", "deport the rhyme of rhetoric present" and "still incognito and renown" cause me to think it's the poem's fault.

i've just reviewed several poems in a row and this is the first one that did anything for me. although i'm largely ignorant of the technical forms of poetry, i can percieve it has an actual structure, as opposed to lazily-constructed assemblages of free verse. and it conveys a very focused and specific idea(also uncommon in the bulk of the poetry i've read here. good central metaphor, and i like the way key phrases are repeated. the reason i put a low score in the "approaxh from a ..publisher...

although i don't know what's happened previously in this story, this snippet gives me enough information that i can follow what's going on. the characters and setting are evoked effectively; i can picture the who and what well enough. there are only a couple of technical problems i noticed: page 1, line 5: "sent" should be "spent" and on page 4, there are a couple of sentences you missed when changing Lugi's POV from 1st to 3rd person: "What was I going to tell my Brickmaster? She must have s...

i like what this poem expresses about the issues involved(especially at the end). my only criticism is that if you're going for the free-verse, not-rhyming thing, you might want to restructure it so that you don't have three lines in a row that rhyme("right/hindsight/fight"); it's like the poem slipped back into conventional structure before you caught it and went back to free verse.

it sounds like this poem is trying to deal with some heavy personal events &/or issues, but the way it's executed somehow trivializes everything. it is possible to be "poetic" without being hopelessly vague. & it may be "a little complicated to understand", but if you're not making an effort to be understood, what's the point of a.)writing it & b.)posting it for critique?

pretty sweet take on the old waking-up-to-the-find-everyone-else-dead device. i think it might work better if there was just a little more build-up to the surprise. you could add a little more detail(i.e., fragmented memories of last night, flesh out the girlfriend & his relationship w/ her) and still have a compact flash fiction piece. the sentrence that begins "a slight bit more clearly" needs some work. i think you meant to say "thinking a bit more clearly" or "a bit more clear". with a li...

i'm not sure i totally got this, tho it seems to be a sort of sci-fi fever- dream mixing various world marriage rituals into one strange festivity. i'd love to attemd a wedding like this one! lots of inventive wordpaly & nice imagery. i'm not very learned on the technical aspects of poetry-writing, so i can't comment in that regard. i did enjoy reading it.

the constant reference to "The Reality" seems kind of clunky & obvious to me. i would try & find a more subtle or metaphorical way to address it. there's some really nice atmospheric descriptive lines in here regarding the lake, the night sky, etc. but there are also some lines that scan awkwardly: "we were so nervous & perspiring"; "we stared & gazed")(seems a bit redundant); "genuineness of brightness"; "he had gone off the fire of the rifle"(??) i think this could be a mysterious and effec...