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AGE:
32
LOC: San Jose, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 19
LOC: San Jose, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 19
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Version 1
5 Reviews
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Chapter 5 Thankfully, I stopped drinking as soon as Bean left me and returned to Troy’s with the extra key I had. Thankfully Mishka was not blasting trance music, though Troy was still gone. Thankfully, sleep came quickly after I guzzled a liter of water, ate some leftover pizza and hopped into bed. Not so thankfully I awoke to someone kicking me. “Dude, I was about to call your parents.” Troy was hovering over me, smiling. I was relieved to see he wasn’t too pissed off at me for disappearing...
Version 1
2 Reviews
1 Comment
Chapter 6 Once I made the decision to just up and leave, the array and intensity of people’s responses was more extreme than I’d expected. Those who were career-minded, and who believed I should (and would) eventually get to such a point, considered my decision suicidal. “What are you going to say when you return? If you return. And where exactly are you going again?” Shelby was my cousin who’d gotten his MBA when most students are still navigating the college circuit of 101s. He’d grown up h...
Version 1
6 Reviews
3 Comments
Chapter 4 “Have you read my script yet?” I awoke to find Bean peering from a bunk above me, his head upside down, like a gargoyle relieved of its earthly trappings. “What script?” “Come on, Phillips. Remember how last night I was talking about the script I’m working on, about how corporate America fucks you in the ass.” “Oh, right.” It came back to me, the walk back from the subway around 4 A.M., and Bean discussing how he was going to turn his script into a movie and live off the proceedings...
Version 1
7 Reviews
0 Comments
Chapter 3 I returned to Troy’s place to find Mishka hung over and mixing trance music on a DJ set up he had in the tiny lounge of the shoebox apartment he shared with my cousin. “Troy, look for you. Very worried. Look for me last night. More worried, ha!” “Do you know when he’s coming back?” I asked, imagining Troy barreling through the apartment door, like an angry parent scolding a pair of wayward children. “Maybe, huk up with girl. I think will be back to go Twilo tonight.” Mishka mentione...
Version 1
7 Reviews
0 Comments
It’s funny how I can let something consume me completely, only to suddenly let go of it and move onto something else. I didn’t exactly get a girlfriend, nor convert from beer to Jesus. I simply began to think how silly I was being: Why would the grass be greener on the south side of the hill? I’d been to Mexico several times as a kid and had never ventured farther than Acapulco on an aborted trip with my parents as an eight-year-old. I’d slipped a half-eaten avocado in my sister’s bed while s...
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Powerful poem on a phenomenon that many can relate to, but that which is not written about too often. A few of my very close friends can be zealously religious so your words held a special resonance with me. I especially like your use of 'across' and 'cross' in the first line. (The idea that we're not all part of the same belief, same fate, etc. is very powerful.) One line I did have problems with is: ‘til we kill to make each heaven’s sake seem true" The rhythm of this line really hurts (in ...
This is a well-written, engaging piece. The use of witty subtitles to shift the action--a device that can easily flounder--works effectively. Fitz is both repulsive and endearing, a characterization that is not easy to pull off. One area that I think could use a little work is the dialogue. Yes, you are dealing with pedantic bores, but even then I feel that many of the dialogues read like soliloquies. (the end with Litzvah though is much more effective mainly because the dialogue is far more ...
100.0% Review Quality (3 Votes)
Much like another piece I reviewed on Urbis--the main character muses as he sits at a restaurant--your piece is not a short story. It's definitely a travel-related journal entry/essay--heavy on description, the piece evokes a locale and the narrator has an epiphany at the end. A short story, however, requires character development, dramatic tension, resolution, etc. In your piece, they are nowhere to be seen. That doesn't mean that this piece can function as a chapter in a longer work/novel. ...
I like some of the descriptions, especially of the Tengiz oil field and Mission Bay. The story as a whole reads a lot more like a diary entry than a short story. It's a reflection on life and a certain moment. It could make for a first chapter of a story that builds up to something. As is, this piece lacks almost all of the elements of a short story: character development, dialogue (save for the one request for beer at the end), narrative arc, tension, conflict, resolution, etc. Could there b...
Hmmm, I'm not sure how I really feel about this. The notes were obscure, if intentionally so. The writing sounds a little pedantic, but has a unique style. But after reading this three times over, I'm still wondering what you are trying to say with this piece. That all our thoughts, rants, and musings are worth nothing? In a way, I wish you would have continued the scene. You build it up, and I was expecting some conflict (beyond the scant dialogue.) Have more of a climax before simply wrappi...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
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