You have a strong piece that takes a little while to get going, but once we're in the ward with Micki, we're engaged by the characters around her. One thing to remember though when trying to have this piece published. According to a couple of published writing teachers I had, about 15% of short stories start in a mental ward. As a result, as soon as a publisher see this, he/she will already have some assumptions regarding your piece. The good news, is 15% of stories still begin there so they ...

Thank you for sharing this story with us. I'm wondering though if your own personal story wouldn't be better told through an actual account of your addiction. The Kimberly character is never really given much of a voice. She commits suicide. The note is only a detailed apology. But there isn't really this distinct person. If you write an essay about your addiction, I feel it will affect the reader a lot more deeply. For instance, I'm curious to learn more about how your addiction slipped from...

Much of this chapter is the fight and so there is not too much in terms of character development--I don't really get a sense of this Dane guy besides the fact that he can box. On one hand, starting a novel off with a fight is a good way to throw the reader into the action. The main problem here, however, is the reader does not have much emotion invested in the character Dane. We really don't know what's at stake, why he's fighting (besides to win.) As is, I don't really find myself rooting fo...

I like the first paragraph. Says a lot using a few words. Key for queries. The next paragraph, however, could use a bit more. For instance, I don't know if you want to give away the bit about Jay being strangled in a Florentine pensione. Maybe, "A shocking tragedy befalls Jay" and instead of moving on to the ceremony,a big jump in the narrative- "But Billy and Stephen pretend not to be fazed, and push on with their ceremony. Are they both relieved, or is there some deeper truth that both of t...

I think this wraps up too glibly. I want to see Billy's unfortunate demise racing llamas. Just a paragraph maybe, but give us (the readers) a little bit more. Maybe a duel/race with another ass-bungling llama-phile. An offer Billy can't resist. And just as he's heading towards the finish line, an errant ostrich obstructs his path, and little Billy topples head first, to his death, in the "brown-eye." Just a thought. Otherwise, pretty funny stuff. And that's why I would like to see more at the...

Hmmm, I'm not sure how I really feel about this. The notes were obscure, if intentionally so. The writing sounds a little pedantic, but has a unique style. But after reading this three times over, I'm still wondering what you are trying to say with this piece. That all our thoughts, rants, and musings are worth nothing? In a way, I wish you would have continued the scene. You build it up, and I was expecting some conflict (beyond the scant dialogue.) Have more of a climax before simply wrappi...

I like some of the descriptions, especially of the Tengiz oil field and Mission Bay. The story as a whole reads a lot more like a diary entry than a short story. It's a reflection on life and a certain moment. It could make for a first chapter of a story that builds up to something. As is, this piece lacks almost all of the elements of a short story: character development, dialogue (save for the one request for beer at the end), narrative arc, tension, conflict, resolution, etc. Could there b...

Much like another piece I reviewed on Urbis--the main character muses as he sits at a restaurant--your piece is not a short story. It's definitely a travel-related journal entry/essay--heavy on description, the piece evokes a locale and the narrator has an epiphany at the end. A short story, however, requires character development, dramatic tension, resolution, etc. In your piece, they are nowhere to be seen. That doesn't mean that this piece can function as a chapter in a longer work/novel. ...

This is a well-written, engaging piece. The use of witty subtitles to shift the action--a device that can easily flounder--works effectively. Fitz is both repulsive and endearing, a characterization that is not easy to pull off. One area that I think could use a little work is the dialogue. Yes, you are dealing with pedantic bores, but even then I feel that many of the dialogues read like soliloquies. (the end with Litzvah though is much more effective mainly because the dialogue is far more ...

Powerful poem on a phenomenon that many can relate to, but that which is not written about too often. A few of my very close friends can be zealously religious so your words held a special resonance with me. I especially like your use of 'across' and 'cross' in the first line. (The idea that we're not all part of the same belief, same fate, etc. is very powerful.) One line I did have problems with is: ‘til we kill to make each heaven’s sake seem true" The rhythm of this line really hurts (in ...