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AGE:
22
LOC: Los Altos, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 04
LOC: Los Altos, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 04
Hey everyone! I’m a college freshman who has been writing fantasy for a few years now (I would say fiction, as well, but, strangely, it all ends up with a supernatural element. Oh well.) I would write more, here, but I’m currently in the middle of Finals Week (evil….), and I don’t have that much time on my hands. Hopefully next week I’ll be able to get more information up here.
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Version 1
3 Reviews
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Kenneth froze. How could she possibly know about the Bloody Bane? Well, of course every supernatural knew about the bloodiest, most corrupt, deadliest trial of the Council, but how did she know he was part of it? And by the tone of it, she also knew that he was on the wrong side. He tried to play it casual. “It’s a long story, my dear. And it’s far past your bedtime.” It didn’t work. “Don’t you my dear me! What the hell were you thinking! Why in the Moon’s name did you not tell me?” Her eyes...
Version 3
8 Reviews
0 Comments
A shadow crossed the darkened wharf as the salty wind picked up. The figure was sleek and silent as she carefully avoided the pools of lamplight that settled in front of the closed shops. She came to a rest on the pier and sat completely still as the few tourist stragglers quickly wrapped up their daily agenda. They were completely oblivious to her presence, despite the wary glances thrown over shoulders. Finally, an hour later, even the tourists were gone, and still the figure did not move....
Version 2
0 Reviews
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A shadow crossed the darkened wharf as the salty wind picked up. The figure was sleek and silent as she carefully avoided the pools of lamplight that settled in front of the closed shops. She came to a rest on the pier and sat completely still as the few tourist stragglers quickly wrapped up their daily agenda. They were completely oblivious to her presence, despite the wary glances thrown over shoulders. Finally, an hour later, even the tourists were gone, and still the figure did not move....
Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
A shadow crossed the darkened wharf as the salty wind picked up. The figure was sleek and silent as she carefully avoided the pools of lamplight that settled in front of the closed shops. She came to a rest on the pier and sat completely still as the few tourist stragglers quickly wrapped up their daily agenda. They were completely oblivious to her presence, despite the wary glances thrown over shoulders. Finally, an hour later, even the tourists were gone, and still the figure did not move....
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Very nice... The mix of description, dialogue and action keep me wanting to read more. I applaud you for being able to keep my attention during a time when I have had some difficulty focusing on reading. Just a few suggestions, however: When Natalie is thinking (when she's getting out of the shower and getting ready), I have discovered that putting things in italics works nicely. That way it doesn't confuse the reader as to who is speaking, because the italics generally point to the person wh...
Very interesting premise. I, too, like the idea of a computer chip in someone's head. It's almost schizophrenic in a weird sort of way. Just a small thing: If you have to mention in the note that the gunmen are just in the wrong place at the wrong time, you probably didn't convey it well enough in the story. I do, however, think there is a way you could alter it so it would be more obvious. Say, a line or two of dialogue about meeting someone before they saw the woman. Just a suggestion, but ...
Very interesting. I'm assuming the dreams are related, despite their being two very different people. It was a little confusing, because the back story of Conrad was so long, i forgot about Pedro's dream until Conrad's dream sequence. I don't know if that's good or bad, because the back story was extremely interesting. However, you might want to intersperse it throughout the rest of the story, rather than just stating it in a big block in the beginning. Overall, however, this is a very good b...
Wow. This is amazing! I definitely want to read more, you develop the characters so well. I'm not entirely sure what the plot point is, so you might want to spend some time developing that, Although you have a good start, what with the curse, the Titans, and Life's mysterious power.
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