crayonmustache's profile

Hi! I really enjoyed reading this! Suggestions, please take what you like and leave the rest: Beginning is important to hook reader, tease, wave some tasty golden bait under their noses, come up with something that if they do not continue reading will always be a regret they will never know, a joke they never heard the punch line to. I think you need to work on your hook some more. Also in the beginning I noticed some conflict with past and present tense. For example, "...under the thick canv...

Hi! I enjoyed reading your piece! I will offer some suggestions, please take what works for you and leave the rest: Start with the beginning, I love your descriptive style, but in places, to me, it is too ‘wordy’. “My bandage leaked an inch wide crimson streak,” could be shortened to ‘blood spilt’ or ‘blood leaked’ - “contours of my arm” - this leaves no image for me to focus on. - “from a spot just below my shoulder” this could be word weeded to say ‘chest’ or ‘shoulder’ “the three remaining...

Hi! I enjoyed this piece. This has great potential! It is a good reflection, in a kind of sarcastic way, of society and I think it challenges our value system. You play with a balance between championing your heroine and the reality of her sick consequences, you made me want to cheer her on and encourage her but sad because she was lost and just wanted to make her dad proud but only continued descending into dark side of hell. Mixed emotions, found in places the scene you painted, funny and s...

Hi! I enjoyed your poem! It entrances me as I read it in a hypnotic way. It is very beautiful, and there is a layer of deeper meaning reaching out to grab hold of my heart and woe. To me it speaks of tragedy and love, perhaps that tragedy is of an abandoned love. It is very deep. That last line is hard to grab a hold around, if I would change anything it would be to leave off on a more solid image, a ship in the sea, an heartful opening of a vulnerable feeling, but that is just me. Thanks for...

Hi! I really enjoyed this work! I am picking it up at an intriguing plot, and it deepens. I think you have a goal you are heading towards and I am enjoying the journey. My job now is to offer suggestions, please take what you like and leave the rest. One thing I noticed is you use a lot of dialogue to keep things moving, fast pace, lots happening, I think you could catch the reader off guard and draw the reader deeper in by concentrating on certain hot spots, chakra pressure points. For insta...