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dali's profile
AGE:
55
LOC: LA, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 05
LOC: LA, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 05
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The Seduction Of Solitude cDecember 2005, Kimberly DAL sol.i.taire 1: a single gem (as in a diamond) set alone 2: a card game played by one person alone sol.i.tary 1: being or living apart from others 2: LONELY, SECLUDED 3: SOLE, ONLY sol.i.tude 1: the state of being alone: SECLUSION 2: a lonely place syn isolation The Merriam-Webster Dictionary was left opened to page 655, items 10-13 were highlighted in yellow and underlined in red. The chair had been pushed tight against the desk, perfectl...
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Version 1
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I dress in fatigues, hair under the hat he gives me, lace up the boots stuffed with extra pairs of socks, train tickets in my pocket, satchel filled with poison of every kind for sale on military bases. I am a solider now this is my mission, I will return successful, be rewarded with kisses, food, money. I buy yarn, knit you a hat too small but I am learning, painted you in all the shades of blue on cardboard paper it all comes back to paper. I always ride the trains alone, sometimes you walk...
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I have recently been told that your style (much like mine) is Passive Voice which is apparently a big fat no-no. That being said, I must admit since our writing is similar (in my writing you will see alot of I's instead of We's)try rewriting the piece without using any of the we's in the beginning of the sentences....good luck.
First of all, I thought of the movie "Oh God" and the book "Conversations with God".....but I did like the overal premise, it's just a tough sell to me because I've seen or read things that are similar and I kept (didn't mean to) comparing the story. I found the lengthy dialouge needing some breaks of something else happening, it was just too much conversation, I felt I wanted to get back into the room so to speak. Overall, I like the piece very much.
The beginning was tight and concise; the daydream of younger days in a time past was a snapshot, it was hard to tell if it was a good thing for his family or not. I did not get a sense of the emptiness of the platform or the noise when it filled up (could not "see" it in my mind's eye), the smells and echos that one might encounter. The rest of the scene felt like an informercial, the candence and sequencing very predictable, filling space; the stories you elude to that Paul and Hank share on...
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