This is a unique piece. I like the images it offers, almost seeing it as an internal monologue of a character in a story. (Prostitute being used and left rather than the image she sees, maybe?) Realizing that you have not really edited this, these are my suggestions to make it better: * europe and british should be capitalized. Though I'm sure a lot of people will catch this one. * Your dots at the beginning of each paragraph doesn't always line up with the top I wish I was... meaning a reade...

Let's see, to describe this: unusual, creative, the end a little morbid. Its got a decent enough flow for most people. My suggestions, be they taken or not: * I had difficulty telling the age of the characters, or if one might be mentally incomplete. Perhaps you could offer a few more clues as to their internals? * There is a background that I am not catching related to the hatred of gluttonous men with facial hair. Why does this character hate them so? * Paragraphing is a choice for the writ...

This is a nicely written piece, aned I see why the editor chose to publish it. I agree with you on the paragraphing problem, but that may be because the way the print would show up on the paper column. I'm surprised the editor missed the plural of burial in this part: one of the most famous burials places. That is a minor problem, however. I admit to being a fan of the paranormal, so this is something that caught my attention. I'm curious, from a expansion possible standpoint, why you gave mo...

This is a fascinating read! I want to know what made the man so paranoid. It couldn't just be the death of his wife, there must be more to the story. I can see the death as a running background theme, and the hunter being death. Just from this small snippet, its hard to get a strong grasp on the story, but it does let us feel your descriptive writing abilities, which are stong. My minor corrections on this: * And in two sleepless nights I would drop the and from this sentence. * home, or an a...

I like this poem, as it offers a good concept of life. It also offers a good insight into wishes of people. Suggestions: - Punctuation is perhaps my biggest question through this poem. Where are the pauses supposed to be? I have concepts in my head, but I am sure they don't match your intentions. The first stanza could probably use a period at the end of the second line, the second stanza, a period at the end of each line, as examples. - when customs holds Is this custom holds or customs hold...

Lots of questions. Lots of vague sentences. Its a good start, but too vague. There is a lot of telling, and very little showing. My suggestions: * Be careful of long sentences. the second sentence runs on a little long and could be difficult for some readers. * Details! PLEASE! What mess? What were the choices? Why did he use the silent treatment? What was important that you gave up? This is so vague it leaves more questions than answers. This is a good start. I recommend a lot of expansion.

This is a good picture poem, painting an image of a tow, of college life. I can almsot see the college being described. My minor suggestions: - You have past tense in the first, six and seventh stanzas but seem to be in present tense through the rest of the poem. It would help the read to narrow it down to either present or past. - The meter, and as such the flow, seems choppy to me. It doesn't seem to run smoothly from line to line. - connected by bridges by roads and tracks Commas in this l...

I like your commentary on modern society and their desire for stick figure women. This speaks volumes. My suggestions to improve it: * It seems the first two stanzas start with questions, rather than statements, so would it not be a question mark after nails and tweaking? * Seems most of my comments are going to be about punctuation here, as I am seeing a need for a comma and the end of line six (Second line of the second stanza). It would make the sentence read a little better. * Another com...

Wow! I love the imagery of the dragon fire and the child's dream. Unfortunately, I start to loose the poem after I get past that line. A lack of punctuation and a lack of any form of meter makes this difficult to read to me. The first three lines have a great flow and meter to them. When you start into Trying to catch ideals, the flow goes as choppy as the sea you mention. Now I admit that the author reads a poem differently than anyone else who picks it up. So I may be putting inflections a...

Oh, this smarts a little. I see why you say it needs work. :> (Darn Loki mind-virus thing.)I can offer a few things here. lind = land? It took me reading this poem a few times to get the proper beat in my head, and even then it seems to change. I'm willing to rate for potential. Perhaps put Loki outside to get us some snow before you come back to this one? :>