well you got a potently pointed poem here. the first line could use attention how about just Big bang baby "she was my big bang baby" sounds like the lead in lines for a cheesy reminiscent porn movie

I like your writing up to "plastic lives control our future!" this line breaks up that you had going in the previous lines but not in a way that adds to the piece or the meaning. There are alot of groovy observations you are relating about your experience but you go through them too quickly, like there is a subtle panicy quality in the inspirations you are having to get them out and on paper right away, but this is unnecessary because you are your work, your inspirations, vision and perceptio...

ok captain your ship is sinking and you should sink with it and go back to your true partner the maiden of the sea. "Love…blinds you to trouble surrounding you" it is a very dicey move starting any piece of poetry with a word like love. and here it is a horrible idea. there is no sense of exploration at all in this poem. It is simply a catterwauling rant and you are sobbing out and letting the rest of us know how mellowdramatic and narrow minded you can truly be cause someone hurt you. Open u...

title= stoplights in reverse

perhaps - vacillatING sorrow instead of vacillation, sounds better to me. here is a question in this passage "Sometimes I can’t see Truly those words of yours for what they really are. Here is the truth: I am not misconstruing you." how can you not misconstrue the meaning of someone's words if you can not see truely what they mean in their words? perhaps there is a past secret drama here other than the physical aspects you write about so explicitly. Your use of imagery to describe is very pow...

ah, vanquish the poor devil, whatever did he do so bad? is it not we, us, ourselves that do bad and desire a target to lay off the responsibility for our actions. well that is a side trip, on to the poem! this certainly has a flow to it, like a striving paladin's song sung in the light of self righteousness, well done. I'm unclear as to the connection to the "woods" and the "evil hearts". Perhaps this is just my experience with trees and wooded areas that make it much more of a stretch to see...

really appreciate the first stanza, so nice. Your really good at immediately communicating the imagery and emotional quality of the scene, nice. And I like "Speechless, kindred all around" this is really good too. It would be nice though if you took your ghost writer and floated amongst the crowd. It there a priest? some spiritual official? what is he/she doing? what is their part in this? and the congregate? the individuals here what are the unique different perspectives each has, each perso...

dung the beginning dung the middle but after "every cell" I wasn't so amused with the time/line rhyme lines. and the This and This wasn't so special either. The use of metaphors/colors/moods is so nice here with the exclamation dramas and the acid apathy landscapes, really got me going with these so as for critique, something different coming out of "Only the urge to keep moving" would be interesting to see, something about the blank space between the upper strike and dot of the exclamation p...

well this is surely written from deep inside of you, wow I really wanted to read more. It's 1:30 in the morning and this is a story I could read till dawn. One of my favorite lines is how mom always answers the cell phone, hilarious. I might be tempted to say sometimes there's too much detail, but you say it really well so I don't notice it so much. You do a good job about conveying the mind quality of the suicidal mentality and the Canyonview ward, the place where people go who peer into the...

change the first "we're" to "we are", the upper lip draw of we're does not accent the rest of the line as the the out flowing lip of are matches with the inflow of as. the first stanza doesn't make integral sense without the second and this is nice as my consciousness is illuminated by the keys being given to me after the description of the door. A word of advice, as I think this is part of a larger poem, yes? make the stanza that comes before the first one here as intelligible as the second ...