danisterror's profile
AGE:
18
LOC: Lansdale, PA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 28
LOC: Lansdale, PA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 28
I am Terror. Literally and figuratively ;)
Just looking for some help with my writing since I haven’t had much help with it in school and whatnot.
Items
Version 2
24 Reviews
21 Comments
Gone January 24th, 2030 – 8:45 PM Pulling their suits on, the firefighters had no way of telling the severity of the disaster. The dispatcher had explained the fire as “Building fire within Velcon.” but that meant little in terms of range and force of the flames. Nevertheless, the band of four piled into the cargo area of the truck and sped through the open doors of the fire house. Seconds passed before the driver turned the sirens on full and the speed of the truck picked up. They barreled a...
Version 1
4 Reviews
7 Comments
PART I Three months had passed since his last visit to the department and in that time little had changed to the office space. Beyond the fact that the typical desk workers were missing, the walls and desks remained the same beige color he remembered them to be. Moreover, the same man he had learned to respect, Frank DeMaio, was standing in the same space he had occupied in their first meeting. He was a short guy, about five eleven at most, with a thick mustache covering the area above his to...
Version 1
12 Reviews
16 Comments
Gone January 24th, 2030 – 9:15 PM Pulling their suits on, the firefighters had no way of telling the severity of the looming disaster. The dispatcher had explained the fire as “Building fire within Velcon.” but that meant little in terms of range and force of the flames. Nevertheless, the band of four piled into the cargo area of the truck and plowed through the open doors of the fire house. Seconds passed before the driver turned the sirens on full and the speed of the truck picked up. They ...
[ View all items ]
Reviews
I'm going to break this down as I read it. With that said, I found the first line to be dry. I know it gives some explanation but I think you should make it into more of a hook that makes the reader more intrigued. Luckily for you, the dialouge afterward makes up for this and brings the reader into the story. I myself do quick-fire dialouge with line after line figuring the reader knows who's speaking. I like that. You do good in teasing us with the idea of stating that in some way/shape/form...
It was very informative about the subject at hand yet read kind of bland to me. I understand that it is non-fiction and to me, non-fiction is slow, but I felt that it could have used more to carry to idea itself. I do like the way you refer to these black orbs, I beleive I have seen these before when I stand up really quickly after laying down or sitting. Another thing I disliked though is the way you did the sentence where you said "...is all I know" and then picked up the next sentence "but...
[ View all reviews ]
Favorites
People













