dansolomon's profile

This needs a lot of work before an agent should see it. The core of what you're going for is there, but it's all sloppy, and you bury your hooks. I'm going to burn through the good and the bad, and then talk about what needs to happen for this to work, cool? Good- your plot is compelling, and high-concept, which means that this should be an easy pitch to a lot of agents. The core idea, with global warming revealing previously lost weapons to terrorists, is timely and clever. I like that you m...

You requested brutality, so you're getting it. It's nothing personal. Cut the first paragraph entirely. The hypothetical question hook here isn't intriguing enough to warrant it, and the rest of the paragraph should be at the end. Start with "Thirty-two year old Maggie Russell" (only "thirty-two" should be hyphenated) instead. The "in Wichita, Kansas" bit at the end of the sentence is a little unclear- I think that she's going to Wichita, but the way the sentence is structured, I can't tell i...

Well, you've certainly proven that you know how to write a memorable sex scene, I'll give you that. While I didn't really -like- this piece, I can't claim that the criticisms I had of the other one apply here. I think my biggest problem with this one is that the point at which it turns from a conspiratorial thing that the two characters are doing into something that the narrator is doing -to- her is too vague. When the narrator goes down on her in the Tilt-A-Whirl (and thank you for giving me...