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darkdescent's profile
AGE:
50
LOC: Fredericksburg, VA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: January 11
LOC: Fredericksburg, VA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: January 11
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Version 1
35 Reviews
3 Comments
I see that look in your eyes, darling, and it makes me so hot. I wish this magic moment could last forever. Your eyes stare deeply into mine, and your breath comes in short gasps. Oh, it won’t be long now, no, not long at all. You’ll cross that threshold and go over the edge as never before. And I will find my release and reach new heights of ecstasy. As my hands close around your throat, your lovely blue eyes widen even further, and I can see right into your soul. Your skin feels so smooth ...
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Very funny stuff. I like the tweaking of various old (and new) religions. It's funny to see a god who feels himself rather useless. The story flows very well with plenty of jokes along the way. I especially like "designed on a post-it note." That's a great line. I'd like to read more of your stuff.
This is a good start. Very good descriptions and imagery. There are a couple of small issues. "Which had been the only part of the house left standing after the fire." Sometimes sentence fragments work, but I don't think this one does. Also, the description of the child being killed is in present tense, while the rest of the story is past tense. This doesn't make sense and disrupts the flow. Otherwise, very nicely done. I look forward to reading more from you.
This is a well-written piece, for the most part. Nicely descriptive of this woman's emotions, and just enough detail about her life (past and present) to give the reader an idea of who she is, but still leaving some mystery. However, the ending ruined it. I'm not a fan of religious propaganda. But you do have some writing skills, so keep it up.
I really like this story. It's so descriptive of a young woman who's unsure of herself and indecisive and damaged. To me, this woman is a fascinating enigma. I'm not sure why she's so damaged, but it's very interesting to try to figure her out (being a guy, I'm sure I couldn't). You put in just the right amount of detail about her past to give the reader an idea of who she is , but not so much that she's completely explained. "I hide my phone in my underwear drawer sometimes. That way I don’t...
Some very nice descriptions here, especially of the planet and the spacecraft. The ending seems a bit of a letdown after the increasingly dramatic buildup of the craft's approach. Overall, I'd say you have some very good language skills that I'd like to see in service of a stronger plot.
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