So two days ago this guy who I'm friends with told me he liked me. And that didn't really make things easier...I tried to politely explain my situation...and he was confused...so I forced myself to tell him what was going on in better detail. I feel so bad. Because I think if I wasn't..you know...PREOCCUPIED right now I'd like him. And people have been trying to set us up forever. And I don't think he expected me to not want to get together with him. I feel horrible, actually... I think I sai...

So I was working. And this really old guy comes to my register and orders, looking at me funny the entire time. I just ignored it. But then after I give him his receipt and said, "Thank you" he just looked at me and said, "Smile more." It made my day. I hope I'm an awesome old person....ugh....I don't wanna be old though. But I suppose if I end up, somehow not dying of some weird disease that I'm surely prone to, being old, then I should be a cool old person. And randomly give complete strang...

"I know that it's not the first time That I have been confused with my life." I'm trying really hard. I'm going to do this. I'm going to get over this. "Knowing what is it all about. And when I hit this dead end can I just turn it around? But this is the very first time... That I have been afraid to go home In fear that I might fall apart... From this foreign feeling that I'm completely alone." I'm sick of giving into this. Well, not really giving in. More like not being strong enough. "Cause...

I've recovered from the scare eariler... In a way. But seriously, I hope this doesn't keep happening...I hope that I don't trigger it that often...its scary. I don't want to go through it again. But anyways...yeah, he danced around the right wording...but he is thinking about killing himself....because she is falling away from him and is disappointed in him..and it is eating away at him. I imagine it is a very similar feeling to what I'm going through, just different motives. I'm scared. For ...

Okay, so I'll start off by what is driving me to write this right now. For the last few years I've had a heart murmur problem...I really small one, but one nonetheless. Every once in a while my heart would speed up really fast and then slow down...it is really scary when it happens to me... it hurts. But for a long time it didn't happen. And it just did. And it was worse than ever. I screamed. And I after my pulse calmed down a little and I allowed myself to think, the only reason I could thi...

Well. He hasn't left yet, but the date is getting so close. I can feel the hole forming in my chest now...I guess because I know the time is soon. I'm starting to get used to it now. Almost enough to ignore the pain that the hole is leaving behind.. almost like it isn't really there. When I'm around other people, I can maintain a nice emotional balance, I think... But when I'm alone, usually at night, I can't help but lose control of everything. The silence is unbearable, and music just remin...

Well, there isn't really much to say. I'm honestly really worried about pulling through this okay. I don't want him to leave but what else is new. I'm lonely and sad and really am only okay when he's around. Just as a friend, whatever. He's too close to me now...he's in WAY too deep for me to just be okay with him leaving. He's one of the closest people I've got...I'm no less than terrified that we'll go our seperate ways. I think that even though he means so much to me, I could be just a fri...

Ok. Well I haven't blogged in a while. I probably should have been...would've made things easier or something maybe. I don't know. Anyways, my updates are that I'm more depressed than ever...hmm..yeah, that pretty much covers it. Well, he hugged me the other day. Like, full-force friendship hug style... haha yeah. But I have to say that not breaking down to tears while he held me took every fiber of my being... I was kind of plastered comfortably against his shoulder and decided not to breath...

I would just like to say that I am SO SICK Of being in love with him. Its completely hopeless and I would rather die than go through what I am going through now... I just want to stop loving him. I CAN'T. Its pathetic. I can't make myself forget about him. I can't stop.. I need him... but I hate it. I REALLY REALLY HATE IT. I love him more way more than what would be healthy... I just don't want to do this anymore... I just want it all to stop; the pain and the suffering of watching him from ...

If only you knew But that wouldn't change anything I could fall forever And you'd be there only to comment.. "Are you alright? Well, that's good." I'm not alright. I love you, but I really don't think it matters It doesn't, because you love her And I don't stand a chance Because she's beautiful And everything you've ever wanted Who am I to get in the way of that? Wouldn't want to ruin things for you So I'll just smile and act like I don't mind That you're "in love" Maybe that is true But don'...