Watch your spelling:\ "As Dlyan told me,..." Au revoir, Danny

You overdo your descriptions... they do not sound believable... or perhaps they come off as overdone.

Huh?

This doesn't read like a poem to me... sorry.

"charity to recieve a free copy!" that's "receive"...

First thin that I noticed was your lack of a line break between paragraphs... When presenting your work on the Internet, you might want to consider inserting a line break between your paragraphs. It makes the pages much more readable and presentable. Don't take my word for it - try it and see.

Well, I may not know poetry (although I have written lyrics), but I do know what I like... Keep the ink flowing...