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GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 02
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 02
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Version 1
3 Reviews
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Nan brown coughed violently as she cleaned and lit her sassafras pipe. As she shifted her body out of bed she inhaled a deep dark cloud of smoke. Spitting it out generously as she strolled from the bed towards the bathroom. She hated the teeth she had to stick in her empty mouth each morning. She had to if she had any hope of appearing half decent. After all the customers she had to entertain would not admire her much without it. Age was already creeping up on her; she could at least try look...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
Chase Turner swept the dust ridden floor of his father’s bookshop. He fervently swept every last dust particle and then jumped to start cleaning the bookcases. The thousands of books that lined the shelves shimmered with gold lettering, in the morning light that entered the windows. Being the son of a bookshop owner, Chase had a natural knack for reading. His father claimed he was born with the ability to read. Chase had read a lot when he was young but in recent years he never had time, he r...
Version 1
11 Reviews
4 Comments
After the war the entire city was reduced to rubble. In the great fire that erupted soon after the war millions of the unknown flew up into the sky. They threatened to obliterate the two kingdoms. The war had to stop for a greater evil now endangered their very existence. Only one remained that had the ability to stop them. Eric jumped over the jagged piece that once fitted into the Castle wall. It was covered with blood and spattered with the residue of fear. He had lost Kaera during the exp...
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Reviews
I'm not going to go into grammar or spelling mistakes. I read through this easily but for some reason I just didn't like it. It might be that I haven't read previous chapters. Your dialogue is not good and it doesn't feel natural. There are some spots where you continue to talk as if in dialogue but it's in the middle of your first person POV. I noticed you like starting sentences with 'But' while there's nothing wrong in doing this, it should be limited to absolutely necessary and essential ...
I reviewed this a while ago, I think last year. I still like the story and the basic idea your working with. You'll have to work on it a lot to keep it from falling in with the rest. Your description is good but I would have liked you to write more about your main character so that the reader can relate more. The writing is fluent and I liked reading it. The only advice I'll give you is to elaborate this stub into a more pronounced piece so that it can be more identifiable, at the moment it t...
Overall I liked it alot. It read easily and I was fully immersed. It captivated me and it lead me to want to read more. Your dialogue is well balanced and believable. Your imagery was very good and your descriptions rounded nicely. I didn't focus too much on grammar and spelling mistakes because the story flowed so fluently. Your rhythm follows through nicely and the reader rarely struggles to read. thank you
I liked your character Opal, she is very pronounced and can be related to easily. Your story is unique and it beckons the reader to want to read more. Your writing is easily understood and read. One thing I think is that you rushed through the scene a bit too quickly. It might be that I haven't yet read the other parts but it still feels rushed. The reader doesn't have enough time to become immersed. Overall I liked it but you have to try and add more 'magic' to it. It has to become more dyna...
It read easily and there were not a lot of mistakes. The few I noticed I'm not going to mention because your plot is the bigger problem. The thing with this type of story is that it has been milked from every angle. So keeping your story remotely fresh will be the biggest concern. As it is it resembles quite a few books/movies already. If you really want to write about this topic you'll have to dig extremely deep, not just skim. If I were you I'd stay away from this because it is so easy fall...
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