derekosborne's profile

derekosborne avatar
AGE: 55
LOC: Spring City, PA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 14

Semi-retired, building wooden boats and writing.  I am on this site to get specific feedback on work in progress. I review others assuming they want to get published.  Sometmes that may come across as harsh, so my apologies in advance, but I want you to be a better writer

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Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Olympic Ceremony
Version 1
1 Review   1 Comment
Is it me, or should our children be very, very frightened? I just lost another business contract to the Chinese. On a 1.8M sale they are roughly half the money, and they will do a very good job, actually better than our Atlanta factory, and it will be on time, and they will send the customer a nice thank you gift after receiving their final payment, which is in escrow at a bank in San Francisco, probably a bank with seven or eight percent of its cash basis backed by Chinese securities. I watc...
Ratings & Rankings
Humor/Satire / Smith Memoir #3
Version 1
2 Reviews   2 Comments
Speak, Memory. No, not you Vladimir.
Ratings & Rankings
Version 5
2 Reviews   1 Comment
Girl on the Plane We sat in the airport café her eyes still green once blue jeans and black boots down dusty barn smells of bridle leather Recalling her shape in the shaft light that morning sun shower drenching our youth those days of desire I smiled She laughed We ordered some coffee as forty years flew, her hand reaching out over time and the table all gold and blue running river rusting shadow that day together I followed the cup to her lips For parents not home and autumn leaves turning ...
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Flash Fiction / Medic
Version 2
7 Reviews   9 Comments
Medic We’ve run the boat up onto a shoal and into some reeds for cover. They just keep bringing them down. There isn’t any room. I try to tell the lieutenant but he’s already lost it. He laughs and jumps off the boat. I’m used to small arms fire and toe poppers but these guys have mortar wounds. They’re blown apart. The floor of the cabin is slick with blood. The pump’s not working. I can’t even see the toe of my boot. The air is so bad I have to get out. Now they’re putting guys along the ra...
Ratings & Rankings
Flash Fiction / The Crash
Version 9
3 Reviews   3 Comments
The Crash I was already running when the plane went down. I had been standing near the hanger, saw the wall of rain sweep across the field, roll like a wave and catch the tail - I knew they would crash. The little plane dipped one wing and smashed into the woods. The end of the runway lit up as the fuel tanks ruptured. The storm, triumphant, cracked the night open and roared with delight. I went charging out across the field, jumping ditches and flying all on my own, fighting the wind and the...
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Reviews
I'm having trouble with the title. While the body of the poem is engaging, the title confuses as to how you wish the reader to interpret the lines. The last line is a natural choice, but the body of the poem has more to offer than the title suggests. I think it is limiting. Overall, nice exposition, nice level of diction. "below finless oppositonal thumbs." "oppositional" is a mouthful here and also begs the question as to wheter you meant "opposeable" or were making a play on the word. May w...
Poetry / Slight of Hand
Very nice. Consistant level of diction, a few bumps, and like the subject, a pleasant way to pass the time without having to make any grand gestures. “as if it is a lifeboat ……… love. “rough” could be dropped. The sea state is already implied and the word is one word too many in the line. “to leave any scars behind”. Strunk “behind”. It stops the line and the ending, cutting off the emotional payoff. Try it without. The poem continues. The reader is allowed to keep breathing. Do you see? Conc...
Flash Fiction / take your pants off
Nice play on the reader’s expectation vs. actual scene. First paragraph should be two separate lines. “No, no, no.” as single line of dialogue. “I took off my socks and balled them and I [Strunk I]threw them at her but she batted them away” “I unbuttoned her button-fly jeans and I [Strunk I] pulled them off.” “I tore off her……….. and then she [Strunk she] stretched out onto her back.” “…..sent drops of red onto the green [Strunk green] wall.” All the above deletions are for rhythm and flow im...
I think it's good, and it fits my personal definition of Flash as things appear on this site. Two suggestions. "A bald eagle ..... the water". Make this a single line paragraph. I think it stands fine on it's own and describes the place in one sentence. The next few lines are all action and need to be their own paragraph. Then start another new paragraph with: :In about ..........from the water." Last paragraph should be three seperate lines as well. Hemingway's rolling in his grave :)
There is a lot of good writing here mixed with a rather stock and predictable situation. You're fine with exposition, narrative flow, description, etc., but the dialoge is flat and forgetable. All of these creatures could have much mnore interesting things to say, even though they only have a line or two. The dialogue does nothing to move the exposition. I'll give you one example so not to use up too many credits. When Dean picks Lily up those few lines could have been these: “ Wow! You look ...
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