desert9star's profile

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AGE: 27
LOC: Leverett, MA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 01
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Poetry / Boo Boo
Version 1
1 Review   0 Comments
From room to room we roam, You inspect each crevice. I merely sweep through, blushing. My work ethic is lazy, my eyes in the clouds. Your hat a helmet, mine a bonnet. You mustn’t drink water off the floor, it must be in Horizontally appropriate locations. Perhaps, you suggest the table in the hallway were I keep the vase? You peer through me kissing my date goodnight. One paw signals yes, two, well they just won’t do. Your eyes blaze in yellow wisdom, Your angular ears pointed toward Her high...
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Poetry / Untitled
Version 1
0 Reviews   0 Comments
What’s with these tight ass pants? ARE dreams and passions in this? He hungered, moaned, and bitched. to smell and taste a drop. What’s with these tight ass Pants? Have you not noticed my inner pink! I prefer flowing empire waist dresses, love. to smell and taste a drop. peaked and prodded enough- Now I wear these tight ass pants. He made me a he. And I left my ashe. What is a drop? With out passion and dreaming? I wanted to preen and prance and puff- I needed to scream and cry and laugh. I s...
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Short Story / Thunder and Lightening
Version 1
1 Review   0 Comments
Thunder and Lightening By Shanta Thomas Dark. Deep, impenetrable, fertile, protective, nurturing, warm, safe. Dark. Laying here my vision a black void. The room unlit and situated in the northern corner of my house. Devoid of the light that escapes streetlights or neighbors houses. Silence that isn’t real rings in my ears. Less than 30 feet away someone has to be getting high, making love, or eating something. I just can’t hear it in a deafening calm I sit waiting for thunder and lightening. ...
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Poetry / Untitled
Version 1
3 Reviews   0 Comments
Supremacy is a black wrought iron fence with Flur de lis and dainty curliques announcing it's divine right to be Divinity blinks into existance never localized in it's specifity nary confirm it's presence Although it's pathway has exisited all along. At the crossroads of divinity and supremecy he hovers holding the infinate black in one hand and in the other he holds an anguish ridden credit card Meanwhile Ma is all rigid up like somebody's sick idea a cross between a barbie and ventriliquist...
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Poetry / Antebellum
Version 1
3 Reviews   3 Comments
Gazing through will she or, won't she eyes hollowed and worn. Alight in non-existence making the cold air fizzle and pop. Friends of Swede Hollow, when it resembled a place left behind. How limber and young were we to climb trees, walk miles, and make love all in the same night? Spending enough time on bus stops and men would come with dicks in hand. But the preverted could not sway our girlish minds, and we would forget easily under graceful moonlight. Swing through nights in red-lipped have...
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Reviews
First of all, stop being so negative there is a general warmth to this story that draws you in. So keep writing it. Yes, the plot is a bit cliche. No Maggie is not totally unlikeable. In my opinion it would be best to submerge some of the plot in the emotional drama that is occuring while at the cabin. Don't be so forth right about the main character's "mystery" aka abusive male relative. Let that come out slower. A lot of your imagery and discription is stunning but at the same time it's mor...
Poetry / sojourn
Some of the lines were ackward as I read this outloud. I would look at word choice to make this piece flow better. Another idea that may help with ackwardness is using punctuation. I really like the imagage/idea of sodium dry crusty with out water being in the person's cells. Did you mean to compare love to not only blood but water? It's a beautiful point. In fact it might be cool to see where else you can take that point. The ending doesn't seem complete to me. Why does the horizon stretch i...
Deleted Item
Your writting style reminds me of Max Payne... The video game. I know it's called First Person/Haunting. HaHaHa! Okay, so I like the imagery it was really balanced. The story flowed well and it was interesting the entire read. I think the word choice was both natural. My suggestions are..... The last sentance bothers me. I think it's enough in the action of the last paragrah to hint at the fact that Steven believes his son left him to soon. But I do like that you at last reveal the childs nam...
Novel Treatments / Embers: Chapter 1
I really love the concept of this story. My first suggestion is for the beginning I would give more in terms of setting and history-through out the dialouge and carry the meat of the story farthur. Also the voice/narration is confusing in the beginning which I can see why you would want to withhold just who's talking-it is interesting. I love the Gods in the story-creative idea! I'm not sure how many rewrites you have done but there are several mispellings, akward statements, and instances of...
I like this-but like I- myself have herd a few too many times... The mispellings are distracting especially since you have so many pop culture referrences. I couldn't tell if you were alluding to something I just I am too old for or that was misspelled/ a typo. The last line is unifiying-esta bien! I don't like the use of Romeo and Juilet simply because it's overused in this way. And I actually think it takes away from the first stanza for me.
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