desertsky's profile
AGE:
60
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 18
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 18
Retired teacher, mom of 2, wife of 1.
Items
Version 1
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I am from crab grass, Green clippings begged from neighbors. Planted and watered, tended To make a lawn. I am from coleus, fuschia and emerald, From coxcomb, fuzzy and ticklish, From zennias in the middle and Hollyhocks in the back. I am from Sunday School in pinafores, From black patent Mary Janes, From the Old Rugged Cross, And Praise the Lord, Amen. I am from Sunday solos in quavery voice, From Vacation Bible School verses, Learned and rewarded with plaster fruit, And a zippered White Bib...
Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
1: Fire crackles and roars, A cacaphony of male lions. It hungrily consumes All that lies in its path. Settling down for an after-lunch nap, It snorts and whimpers, Embers for another feast. 2: Fire dances in the breeze, A doll in a music box. She wavers to and fro On her thin wick-pedestal, Hearing music too quiet For our ears. At the end, a bow. Then, poof! She's gone.
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Reviews
Sounds like a great camp out. You've done a good job of using language that calls forth visual images. The flow was a little confusing, moving from one thing to the next. Keeping it in context of the camping, it does better, but without the title, I would have been lost.
Very clear images, great job of saying what it seems you wanted to say. I especially liked stanza 4. It seemed to bring together thought, word choice, voice, everything to make it readable and effective.
I would have given the first part an 8. The second part is too esoteric or too scattered, one or the other, for me to really grasp.
50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
This was well-written, the ship a good analogy. It always makes me sad to read something like this, but you've expressed it very well. You have a very workable style here, and I'll look for others of your poems.
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