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djini35's profile
AGE:
36
LOC: Killen, AL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 02
LOC: Killen, AL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 02
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Items
Version 8
15 Reviews
0 Comments
dawn comes like an explosion of fire as the sun rises and paints the clouds orange, red and yellow while tiny sparrows litter the morning sky below, the grass lays nestled under its blanket of dew-undisturbed then— a rustle- a stir- signs of life the rooster’s alarm neighbor’s voices floating on the crisp morning air dogs bark and chickens peck freshness fills the air nature whispers its sweet song it is daylight like any other but for this moment it is morning!
Version 8
0 Reviews
0 Comments
The air is thick the heat seems angry it pierces skin like tiny daggers eyes squint and strain to see the distance as shimmering heat dances off the interstate through suburbs where children play in little plastic pools the car's air-conditioner begin to spit needles grass in the median lays dry and brown from thirst roadside trees stand still as if in silent protest the scorching wind brings with it no relief I imagine sitting on the porch-- my shirt unbuttoned sipping on a tall glass of lem...
Version 4
14 Reviews
4 Comments
Papa's scent still lingers Grasping tightly to his favorite shirt From the darkness, memories come rushing in and I cannot help but think he is in the other room The screendoor rattles at the breeze's touch Just as it would whenever he came home Now memories come to life And I hear him in the kitchen- opening cupboards and hummimg Then I hear mama crying in her bedroom She is asking why he was taken from us so soon Now the memories are a steady trickle And I hear mama laugh and I just know th...
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Reviews
This should be part of a chapter as it does not make sense on its own. We have nothing to go on except that this character is a upset over an event and thus he turns to drinking. this does not make the ensuing story unique or interesting but rather like any other story. The prologue must be such that it compells the reader to venture further into the novel. Needs more work i think.
I still think that this piece has promise however, the sentences do not seem to flow. They appear choppy and often disconnected. The story must come to life to the reader and if the reader cannot see the story then it is not worth writing nor telling. e.g. one the first page we already know that Guy is in the room, shackled and alone, therefore you do not have to keep writing "Guy this and Guy that." Also, if you are writing from Charlotte's perspective, you must write what she would have see...
sounds promising, and i hope you reveal the rest of the story to us. it is hard to find good stories that hold one's attention, so i bid you good luck.
0.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
this is actually decent for someone under the influence; I would not recomend that you get intoxicated and write but this is short and sweet.
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