dms460's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: Hoboken, NJ
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 13
LOC: Hoboken, NJ
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 13
writer, thinker, traveler, poker player, tv junkie, sports junkie, burrito junkie, sunshine junkie, unemployed
Items
Version 2
3 Reviews
0 Comments
Never completing ironic tales. The end.
Version 1
10 Reviews
1 Comment
taking a chance with one's life, moving at a different pace than the rest, a better pace than the rest, the all-knowing, the safe, the "successful". are they doing what I should? or i they? doing what I feel? or is it fearing what they do? "this is what i know," we proclaim with passion, but is that the truth? has a feeling led us down this path, or has a lack of feeling left us here? stranded. we scoff at their attitudes, but envy their possessions. we act noble and high-minded, but the fear...
Version 2
13 Reviews
2 Comments
Jacob wanted to make as few trips as possible, so he arrived at his dorm with a duffel bag slung over one shoulder and an overflowing laundry bag tossed over the other. Either the two bags were balancing him out, or he had remarkably strong legs for a 130-pound freshman. Whatever the case, he managed to navigate the hallway and find his room before gravity had done too much damage. A sticker on the door read "Jacob Samuels" and had some small doodles on it. The artist's rendering of a footbal...
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Reviews
I like the quote a lot. I have seen similar quotes which are referring to religion, but to me this seems unique and would certainly give a good indication of the character's perspective. Grammatically, I would probably write it exactly the same way, though I think many people would say the comma is unnecessary.
First sentence should read "an eighth"... I'm used to schwag so I'm not sure what kind of white dro is out there. I know a lot of pure shit is lighter than others, but I don't know about "white" as a descriptive term. But I could be wrong. I'd change it to "walking through the door" unless you're really saying that Darren slammed into the door. Good ending, though. I thought about trying to break up the last sentence, but I think your way works better. Some people might not know what the swis...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Very nice flow to the piece. It is easily relatable to anyone as it seems to be emblematic of many of life's journeys. The pace is more exciting than many poems I read. It may be because of the "urgency" in the first line setting the tone, but I felt an excitement as I approached the last few lines. Opening and closing with the same line isn't a really new technique, but I liked it in this case. To me it was saying that there are many of these journeys in one's life and as one ends another in...
The passion seems to seep right into the reader -- I doubt it was just me. I like the progression, first describing the physical, then the intimacy, then the emotion at the end. "Tossed in passion's hurricane." Great line. Admittedly, I wasn't enamored with the first portion when reading it the first time, but I now think it works well after completion. Very nice.
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