>>Others had no call to question her ditziness either, Why would others question her ditziness? No one would refute that she was ditzy, something would have to force them to question why she was ditzy. >>Stomping her slippers on the floor of her apartment, Why is she stomping? Is she angry? >>Others had no call to question his smouldering blandness either, it was quite obvious Same as above. >>consented adult sex Do you mean Consensual Sex? >>This went ahead at a...

>>How long 'somehow' had lived there was how long did you mean someone? >>“It’s cruel system created by greed. People would just share if you gave them a real chance. If you taught them how.” Just a thought but people already do. Charity only goes so far though. >>The desire for money a natural human urge. You couldn’t erase it. Just a thought on this, the desire for food, shelter and companionship are the urges. Money is just an extension of that. Since most people don't gr...

>>aimed at the oversized serpent that towered several feet above me. Two things here. I got the impression that it was hanging on branch or something directly over the main character not bigger than the character, but that could just be me. The other, I hate to pull out a show don't tell but the description should give the facts without just stating. How is he oversized? Was he bigger than a tree or bigger than say a dog. Both would be oversized depending on the species. >>How I’d...

>>Since then me and the thick-rimmed glasses wearing, red bowl cut hair, mega liberal have had these early morning tutoring seasons. This is kind of a mess. I had to read a few times to catch all the details. Consider breaking them out into their own sentence or figure out how to separate them a little better. >>to busy preparing my essay. 'to' should be 'too' >>President Grady bought both sides, humans and manikins, together. 'bought' Should be 'brought' Interesting premise...

>>(What was his name?) Even if this was a stream of consciousness narrative the parentheses would stick out like a sore thumb. You may want to find a better way of integrating that into the paragraph. >>The sunroom was her “Rose Room“. This could be a show don't tell moment. I was thinking describe it as being a sunroom instead of telling. Also isn't this whole thing taking the rose theme a little too far? I suppose if she is going slightly batty maybe not. >>from fear, fear...

>>I realized that’s where the agents were taking me. Just a thought but wouldn't this be one of the logical places the bad guys would look for them? >>The chain of power was short; Okay there were some confusing things that may need a little more explanation in this paragraph that may have needed some clarification, at least for me. One head of chair of what? I get the east west thing but chair of the board, chair of the committee? Also what is a pap? >>“Mom, who took dad?” ...

>>if the ghost of French fries past were sitting on her chest Your first paragraph sets the mood for the whole chapter if not the book and starting off so judgmental and sarcastic is okay if that's what you want but some people may be put off by that. The character in the next seems to be too in a good mood to be this cynical. Also in the first paragraph your meaning seems to be getting lost in the flowery prose and sentence complexity. I had to go over some of the descriptions again an...

>>What a night for a rainstorm,” Don't want to nitpick but no opening quotes is kind of glaring. >>My henchman would he really refer to his man as a henchman? >>a train to Dublin. Can you take a train from Essex to Dublin? >>“Yes,” Andrew answered thoughtfully. How does one answer thoughtfully? I hate to pull out the show don't tell card but there you are. >>Madame Chantal urged said in frustration This needs editing. >>was out of it—he was—mad. >>A p...

>>It made no sense to me; it wasn't as This whole sentence has an awkward composition and I don't think the semi-colon is needed. >>or tried to warn visitors, was Why would anyone visit this town. Pre telephone days aside, things like this get around. For example Bob, disappears when going there. Then Dave disappears and then Veronica. They would start to see a pattern maybe. Also why wouldn't more people just move away as well if things were as bad as described. I would. >>...

>>roam the vast Universe How does one define a vast universe before time. Maybe calling it the vast nothingness or something like that. >>falling deep into the hateful darkness that was around her. Then what? Usually in creation myths, every detail means something. The tear would usually become something. >>beautiful Goddess, This is kind of like the tree falling in the forest. If there is no one to see or experience it, how do you know that she is beautiful? >>Though ...