Ok the issue i have with this is that it's describing an action that demands immediacy.You as the narrator are getting in the way of this.The reader doesn't particulary want you there but wants to feel that it is they having the experience of what is obviously an intensly passionate and therefore personal experience.You are writing for your readers not for you. Who is she?How long have you wanted her?How did his come about?Is the "not bad" a reflection of your personality or her imagined perf...

When one believes one is going to be reading a journal one expects to be witness to very real,deep and personal feelings.Particulary given the subject matter that you write about.One looks for an emotional outpour, for as you say ,"hopes of no one finding this almost.."suggests an almost embarrassment of what may be written.In contrast this writing is very matter of fact,almost clinical.Is this due to the medication?Unfortunately most readers will be unaware of the side effects of these drugs...

I read the title and think umm..what is filled with space..what kind of space..why and how much. Scanning i get the sense of life and death or more particulary birth and death.Fed by the "hatches" in line 1,the "eroding" in line 2 the "blossom" in line 6 the "anew" in line 12 the "light this spark to start again" line 14 and "daybreak" of the last line.Contextually the daybreak in the last line (ie in the death of the poem)emphasizes this element of birth of a new hope:"this brilliant burst"....

I think the "miles" is superfluous.Mention frequent flyer and everybody will immediately 'get you'.Infact i think you could just add an 's' on the end of flyer: "i call them frequent flyers".Not only is joke delivery speeded up,it sort of gets your reader/audience into your 'club' of knowledge and gives a greater feeling of inside knowlegde being shared. Of course that also reinforces the whole programme of FF's as bad.Which to most people i would hazard a guess rings true.Another essential i...

Very good actually except for: Your "that" (third verse last line).'That' is a problem word because it serves no purpose and pulls the reader out at that point.Which is a shame because the ride was pretty good.Just drop it.Effect...greater strength to "feel" and "real" which is great because this whole thing is about reality and perception(even deception).Same point could apply to that rather sad "and" sitting at the front of line 18.Try moving it to the position of "but" which you get rid of...

Brutal,destructive containment of the (English) language.Removal of sensory perception.The only truth : a 1 or a 0.Nothing inbetween.Nothing else needed.Designed flexibility through an inflexible truth. "I hear no more" is a good little phrase..constant noise but no sound;no natural diversification to spark interest.A type of 'put out the light'for the ears. Interesting background noise of death to the creator by the created and not so much a cycle of life but one of death.Possibly inevitable...

The shift of balance is good in this piece:Tiffany's control shifting to the "monster" through her action of opening the door being replaced by his finality of closing it and counterpoised beautifully in the middle by her "letting him enter".Such mimmicry of action to positional vocabulary adds a good resonant depth to the overall symmetry of the piece. I did wonder whether the scarf was wet.On pondering this,a dry scarf would not work.A wet one may add menance.A forewarn. Is "talking to your...