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dooley's profile
AGE:
20
LOC: Plymouth, MI
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 23
LOC: Plymouth, MI
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 23
college student, lover of fish, burner of books
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Version 1
13 Reviews
1 Comment
into the brittle april wind two fingers making peace, choking a snuffed cigarette, between ragged blue eyes and torn socks, inseparable myths about the slowly declining mitten state, a woman putting out the candles in delicate lansing, find myself with uncomfortable suede shoes walking down a gravel path where empty cans of crushed lite beer spilled themselves into bushes before falling asleep on park benches, small chants of celebration erupt behind an old brick house, girls walk by wearing ...
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you wrote someone else's poem well. that sounds a lot harsher than it really is, your talent is undeniable, but your imagery seems to come elsewhere, this looks like the idea of a poem rather than a poem. keep shooting, because you never missed. but use your own gun.
last two lines are amazing. also really like the "apple" bit. maybe you go a little heavy on the question marks? dang, i tried not to make that a question. sorry. uhm, and forgot to see me is the point, maybe i would expand on that a little bit. you never really describe you, or them. i like where this is going though.
Pretty splendid, I guess Hannah is a palindrome, and that is a really fun way to start the poem off. I think that you ended weakly, even without the last stanza entirely this poem works better. I also am no great fan of "you&I", I think it looks childish and takes away from a beautifully written poem. Upon reading this again, it seems clear to me that the last stanza is an afterthought. I really don't like it very much at all.
this is cute, and nice, and pretty universal. i think it goes on a little bit too long to justify the repetition, turning it from a little song into some sort of chant, and the words don't really belong in a chant. i like it all the same, this rhyme is a bit over the top, but it is well down. cut it down a bit.
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