Um. Sorry to do this to you. I don't want to discourage you from writing, so please don't give up! You have a a character we could get into, it just needs some work, well, a lot. Basically, this is just one huge info dump and it left me bored. Do we REALLY need to know all this information to understand who Luccia and vampires are? I now know all about lore now, but what does Luccia look like, what is driving her to be there if she really hates it? If she is just interested in getting her blo...

I'm sorry, but this is not a story. This is more a biography, an anectdote, or a life vignette. There is no conflict and resolution, unless you count Junichiro getting drunk and then recollecting himself (which isn't much). You spend so much time on the biography of who this guy is, that it has no oomph. You need to show, not tell. There is so much you can do with a man who is drunk, so many crazy things he can get himself into. Plus, you have established in the beginning that this is in Toky...

This isn't where you should be starting the novel. I'm sorry to break this to you. I had to do the same thing to mine, and it is like killing your children. Start in the courtroom, where the juice is flowing and he's closing up a storm. Conflict, conflict, conflict. Hook me! I suggest you read a wonderful book called, "How to Write Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction" by Harvey Stanborough. I don't want to go into your many problems there, so please read it. I don't know where this novel is ...

Excellent narrative and story! The voice of this piece is perfect, just what Sweet Caroline is supposed to be. I would consider changing the beginning. you tell us that "I learned very young that I couldn’t be anything I wanted to be." and used Jaynie as your reason, but I have yet to really see the connection. You jump into this ditching of graduation, jump from one time frame to the next, and still I am wondering how the sentence: " I went to school in a Rhode Island suburb. That’s where I ...

You have an excellent premise and the beginnings of conflict. It makes me want to know what happened to Preiston and what will happen to Jamie. You definitely have the attitude of an 18 year old down pat. Your dialogue seems forced, and you do not need to tell us who is speaking each time. Show, don't tell, and you can show us Jamie's feelings in more ways than just rolling the eyes. Also, (and I did this too and had to change it) starting a novel on a bus, train, in a car, is highly cliche a...

Ha ha ha! I love Vog! I can just see him, storming around the lab. Also, the way you handled the info dump through dialigue is good. The dump is minimal, and keeps the flow going. The constant reference to "unforseen circumstances" keeps the reader's interest, and I LOVE the humor. There really are little green men on Mars, perfect! All you need is a bit of spit and polish around the dialogue. You do not need to tell us who is speaking all the time, especially since Vog is such a unique chara...

My gut reaction is: I don't get it. Although all you want to hear is what people dislike about your piece, I come from the firm belief that criticism should always involve something positive as well as constructive, so I'll say this: you have a knack for description. Grammar needs polishing (too many commas), and the change in POV from the shack to the spider is confusing. I do not understand "With his love, he tasted funny to the carpenter ants and the ants left him alone." This makes no sen...

Beautiful. You have excellent flow and keep the cadence throughout the entire piece. The imagery of the tiger cat and mouse ponies is unique and playful. I could imagine reading this to a child and watching them pointing at the pictures and laughing. This would make an excellent pop-up, especially if the pictures are interactive and can move.

Um, okay... Angry much? Good voice and a unique sense of style, but this is not something I would want to read. I had difficulty even finishing it. It's disjointed and rambling and confusing. not to mention negative. Most of us will sympathize with wanting the American Dream, but writing is about pulling us out of that quagmire and letting us escape. All you do is harp. Suggestions: It would be better if you picked ONE thing and go through the issues you have with that one thing rather than r...

You have a wonderful writing style and are excellent at the craft. I would suggest rereading this through for yourself because you have a few typos, inconsistencies, and grammar mistakes. The flow is nice, but it is a little confusing. Rotto has this dream in the beginning, which really hooks the reader, but after reading the rest of the piece I thought, "so, what was the point of the dream?" You may want to rethink this, especially when starting a story/novel with a dream sequence is highly ...