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AGE:
31
LOC: Kalamazoo, MI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 19
LOC: Kalamazoo, MI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 19
Walk with Me
In dreams
Take my hand
Together
We walk the Sky
I criticize your work the way I criticize my own. With every intent to make it better, for the sake of the work. Take what I say or leave it; the choice is yours.
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Version 1
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Is it real am I here and now Is it true what they say to you Am I lost underground secret Do you see all my dreams scattered Is it real am I here and found Is this truth what I say believe Can you see all my fears revealed
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Version 1
109 Reviews
35 Comments
A sense of urgency travels with him; desperate companion obsessed with time. He walks less-traveled paths, once-inhabited wild lands. He dreams of the beginning as footsteps hasten the end. Much has been lost. Sacrifices will be made yet he carries on. That which was left behind gleams in anguished memory; lessons of the past haunt sky-colored eyes. Spiral of steps - an ascent that plunges into the depth of soul. The door opens; Revelation of self. The door opens; Redemption awaits. The door ...
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Great opening image. But you could get a great opening by simplifying the first sentence to: "We stood at the edge of the universe." And then you could go forward, explaining who was there and what you were looking at, so that the first sentence isn't an "info dump". Watch your dialogue. In one paragraph, if you have one person speaking and then interject narrative text and then have another quote, it's assumed that the person who started talking is still talking. You don't do this, so the fl...
Powerful piece. Two small suggestions, just for the flow. I'd get rid of the word "much". As far as descriptive words go, it isn't really descriptive at all. It's vague and I think it detracts from the emotion. I think the lines would flow together without that. Another thing that came to mind was possibly switching the lines "children's games" and "harder to play" so that the poem reads "out of bounds/harder to play". It isn't a necessary thing, and I think the poem could work with those lin...
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