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dual_nature's profile
AGE:
22
LOC: Davis, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 27
LOC: Davis, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 27
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Version 1
9 Reviews
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In the dark alley was the sound of a child singing. "Come what may," the little girl said, rocking her knees to her chest. "Come what may, I will love you..." She did not finish the song. A drip! drip! came from somewhere above. She looked up past the dark ladder of the fire escape, past the rusted metal. A door opened somewhere, and the sounds of people yelling at each other rang through the night before the door closed again. In the darkness, a rat ran over her hand, bringing her back to re...
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I thought the story was very good! I really felt connected to the main character the entire way through, and you took me on her journey of dealing with grief. And that's a very hard subject--whenever you talk about emotions, you risk alienating the reader if he's not with you every step of the way. I also liked the level of description--it was the perfect level--just enough to see what was going on without being overwhelming. Some suggestions: first, the grammar needs some work in places, so ...
I really liked this poem, especially the end ('Buy the people'--made me laugh) I'm not sure what you're trying to get across in the 1st stanza, especially the "bring you all out" and the "non sensical/non sequitor aside" lines--the rest seems pretty straightforward. Overall, I thought it was a unique way to express a familiar theme. Good job!
Hmmm. I will have to think about this one awhile. Your writing reminds me of a poem in prose form--you have great sensory detail, and really bring the grittiness of life out. At the same time, be careful with your word choice in the beginning--complicated words are fine, but too many in a row makes the reader concentrate on the writing instead of the story itself.
I really like this story so far! It's very vivid, something I like in stories--I can totally see what's going on. And the characters are very real, and each has their own voice, which is something that takes a lot of talent. In terms of suggestions, you need a little help with your grammar--I think more commas would help, and breaking some sentences into two. Also make sure your tense is consistent; in some places you switch into present tense, which is kind of confusing. But a grammar check ...
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